


Thin Ice

by iridescentloner



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU: Anorexia, Aftercare, Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Beach Sex, Begging, Blow Jobs, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Bottom Katsuki Yuuri, Bottoming from the Top, Boys Kissing, Bruises, Character Death, Confessions, Crying, Cutting, Day At The Beach, Depressing, Depression, Drunk Sex, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Flavored Lube, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Freeform, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hand Jobs, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, I Love You, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Inspired by Music, Inspired by Poetry, Inspired by Real Events, Kissing, Lies, M/M, Major Illness, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overdosing, Overthinking, Praise Kink, Promises, Prompt - Eating Disorder, Public Display of Affection, Public Humiliation, Public Sex, Purging, References to Depression, Relapsing, Riding, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Medication, Sex, Sex Toys, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, Smut, Spit As Lube, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Top Victor, Top Victor Nikiforov, Topping from the Bottom, Triggers, Vibrators, Vomiting, binge eating, fuck it issa boy, get a room nikifucker, i mean the beach is private but still, mlm, my gross overuse of italics and commas, please ignore my run-on sentences, smut in chapter 14 and 15, vent fic, what's makkachin's gender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2018-12-11 21:43:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 38,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11723163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescentloner/pseuds/iridescentloner
Summary: Yuuri had never liked his body and the comments made about it affected him over the years making him develop a serious eating disorder.





	1. Shortcomings

**Author's Note:**

> "the only flaw is that you're flawless, but you're so full of shit..." is the line from a really chilled song called "Don't Call Me At All" by Flatsound which inspired this fic listen to it and support my special boy and his music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this story is based off real life knowledge and experience along with slam poems from spotify and youtube. my experiences being when we had numerous exchange students from japan visit and live with us over extended periods of time, and also my experience with mental health and eating disorders (my POV and also friends and families). the slam poetry is self explanatory.
> 
>  
> 
> updates on sundays (unless i can't be bothered).
> 
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> 
> my tumblr is under the same user if you wanna submit stuff or ask questions.

Yuuri stood in front of the mirror, brown eyes focused on his reflection displayed on the comprising white light of his bathroom. Face flooded red with tears that would endlessly spill from those stained orbs as he looked down again at the number on the scales. He had gained nine point two kilograms in the last month and a half after many nights of binge eating with his fiancé after their season off. He looked down at the scales, then up at the mirror.

 

Down.

 

Up.

 

Down.

 

Up.

 

And so on.

 

All he could see was the curved edges of his hips that made him look less of a man, the pudge on his stomach spilled over his jeans like melted chocolate, his muscles looked softer and more like sausages, the cellulite on his ass and thighs weren’t worthy of an Eros performance and disgustingly resembled cottage cheese, and his chest wasn’t solid, now his pecks were rounded.

 

He looked disgusting.

 

He remembered when everyone, his dance teacher, parents, sibling, friends, and his own idol made impertinent comments about his stomach after his depression and big loss. Snarky insults and names made him feel worthless and like all he was good for was a punching bag that people could use and eventually throw away when they were done.

 

And it was in this moment when he truly felt what ‘hating yourself’ felt like. Every thought rushed to his mind like rain.

 

A downcast of unpredictable hail and storm that no one could predict nor stop. It felt cold and alone and right now he needed a fucking umbrella.

 

He didn’t know how to fix these thoughts so the only other solution was the worst way of dealing with it was to inflict some other form of hurt onto himself to distract him from the current hurt he was feeling.

 

Without thinking twice, he had already crawled over to the cabinet as his legs felt non-existent, he had reached inside the drawer and grabbed out a familiar relief he had used before in the past when he couldn’t escape.

 

It was silver like the scales of a fish and was old and used with rust to prove that. He stared at it for a bit until he made a swift cut on his thick thigh. The four blades on the razor had indented large bloody cuts onto his skin that spilled over the white bathroom tiles. He made more and more with the same drenched blade until he felt satisfied. The thoughts stopped, the scales didn’t show any numbers, he couldn’t see the mirror as he was on the ground and no one would see the cuts long as he cleaned up the mess on the floor and wore long enough pants. Yet despite all of this he felt guilty for breaking his streak after years. He promised himself never again and he broke it.

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

An hour later he had submerged from the corner of the bathroom and slowly made his way to the spare bedroom.

 

It was one in the morning and surely everyone was asleep he thought.

 

Well, everyone except the Russian staying in Yuuri’s house for the time being, who gave him a gentle smile and hug. How could someone be so happy at this late? Filled with joy and compassion and complete and undeniable love and purity in his heart. He was so gradually in love with the strong, beautiful, kind, intelligent and graceful man that suddenly popped into his life without consent or notice. But he Yuuri didn’t care; he had looked up to Victor as a child and even now he still did.

 

He was too busy thinking to notice the long pair of bony elegant fingers that gripped his tummy lovingly and played with it like dough. He winced in embarrassment, trying to push away from the man’s grasp but for a second, he looked down at his fingers again and really **_looked_** at them. They were so slim and skinny and long and they looked graceful. He’s never actually thought of anyone’s fingers in this way but they didn’t look like his sausage ones. He then felt his stomach against his back, it was rock hard and he felt… curves to it. Not like the ones Yuuri had but instead a six pack and V line and his hip bones and he was sexy and model-worthy and beautiful. Never once had Yuuri modelled for anything. Because he had the opposite body.

 

He felt tears swell in his eyes again and forcefully removed himself from Victors grip and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him. Victor was confused by this and immediately walked the other way. If he knew Yuuri was crying, he would have showered him in kisses and hugs and stayed up with him but his mind concluded that it was Yuuri not being used to this display of affection and shying away.

 

That night the raven-haired male stayed up and sobbed until he was tired. Before he fell into a period of rest he decided that he would not eat as much as he did and would cut it down to two meals and a few snacks until he lost some weight and got back the body he had during the skating season.


	2. The Bathroom Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is too shy to speak to Victor and can smell a strange odor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so glad so many people are enjoying this c:

Sun seeped through the peach curtains of Yuuri’s bedroom, lighting the room in a soft glow. It was around eight in the morning and the ebony haired man was not looking forward to facing the day. He rolled over with a groan to face the wall which would hopefully shade his sight from the harsh morning rays and pulled the thick grey blanket over his head. Wincing at the sudden pain coming from his thigh he tried to remember why it was there. The morning affected his memory so he slid down his pajama pants to have a look at why they were like this and God he wished he hadn’t, the memory of crying and feeling hatred towards himself so badly that he slit his own skin made him feel queasy, he looked a little harder despite the churning in his stomach and saw his body again.

 

Bloated.

 

Swollen.

 

Disgusting.

 

The sting now made its way to his eyes as tears filled them. He couldn’t have another episode like that.

 

Not right now, at least.

 

He groaned once again as he forced himself out of bed which distracted his brain from creating anymore tears. Rubbing sleep from his dosed eyes, grabbing his glasses and sliding his pants back up his butchered thighs he swiftly left his room to get breakfast, the anxiety in his stomach still there and getting worse.

 

He craned his neck to see the kitchen and if any other life was currently awake right now.

 

For Japan, this was considered extremely early in the morning as most people stayed up or slept until noon. So of course, it was only him awake.

 

He ventured the fridge and cupboard for some food, he felt hungry and drained. Like whatever fullness he had once was never actually there. He eventually decided on plain fried rice and fried egg. Helping himself to two bowls of this, he decided that it would last him until lunch and he was full.

 

Suddenly he heard a beaming voice come from down the hall, accent thick and loud, sounding like heaven. And that heavenly voice belonged to Victor. How was Yuuri so damned in love with someone that he fornicated over his voice?!

 

“Yuuri~” he beaming happily stretching out the ‘u’ in his name. The silver haired male mustn’t have remembered last night when Yuuri stormed off into his room sobbing, leaving Victor alone in the hall wondering what he did wrong. He probably felt worthless to Yuuri, like he didn’t matter whatsoever and that he was annoying the raven male.

 

Quite contrary to what Yuuri believed though.

 

He had a perplex look painted on his face and gave a tiresome wave back before heading opposite of where Victor was walking due to fear of messing up his words and rambling about how sorry he was from last night. Locking himself in his room he breathed a sigh of relief and decided to sit there until lunch so he could eat and hopefully by then Victor would have gone on a walk or something with Makkachin.

 

                                               ⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀

 

Finally, after a few hours of blanket forts and YouTube he decided that the Russian was gone for a while and now he could eat.

 

This time he decided on four cups of two minute noodles with herbs and butter. Of course, the Japanese man ate all of them without thinking twice. He felt full and satisfied enough until dinner or further notice. Just at that moment he discovered an off smell; a mix of salt, BO and dirt made the air thick and like he wanted to throw up. Yuuri had to find where that scent belonged. He inhaled through his nose around in circles and it wasn’t any closer nor further which soon made him realise it was coming from himself. He had forgotten to shower for the past day and a half and was wearing the same shirt making him feel gross.

 

Well then again, since when _didn’t_ he feel gross?

 

He made quick steps into the bathroom and took off his grey sweat stained shirt and tracksuit pants leaving them in a pile in the corner. Yuuri’s bathroom had stainless white tiles and black rimmed edges, a giant walk in shower, various soaps some were Russian and most were Japanese or English and lastly, he had a giant mirror that took up a variety of the wall. Since he had such a large mirror it was nearly impossible not to see his image staring at him.

 

So, when he saw his partially naked form displayed in front of him again all he could do was sob. He looked fatter than yesterday and resembled a stuffed pig. He did the same routine as yesterday and reached for the razor before gashing his stomach around five times creating twenty small cuts near his navel. It helped again to cope instead of crying until he either passed out or had an anxiety attack. Soon after he shakily got up his belly tightened painfully and he was rushing to the porcelain bowl to release every bad thought he had into the water. Chunks of vomit flew past his lips which looked the icky food Victor fed the curled poodle. As he noticed this gross detail he hurled up another round of spew which he regurgitated on top of the last pile. He eventually finished with bags under his eyes and a grey face which was soon under lukewarm water and steam which he smoothly breathed in and out. He was calm now and felt at peace once enough pain had been inflicted onto himself. Once he was dried and had a towel around himself he looked at the scales again, he knew he shouldn’t do that but he wasn’t thinking straight right now.

 

“ _Wait,”_

He got off the scales and jumped back on checking that it wasn’t broken and it still gave the same result; he had lost one point three kilograms in one day without exercise somehow.

 

“ ** _What the hell?!”_** the raven cussed aloud. He thought about it for a bit whilst putting fresh clothes on. He wasn’t at all disappointed with the results, he was quite thrilled just ‘how’ was the question. And then it hit him like a gun, it was from throwing up. From getting the food out of him before it was digested and turned into fat. How after all these years had he not tried this? Yuuri decided that he should go for a run before Victor got back and could speak to him.

 

Why did everything have to be so… hard for him to speak to the beautiful love of his life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	3. A Friendly Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri get into a fight

Sweat dribbled off his brow continuously, his muscles ached on every part of his body, throbbing and shaking with every step he forced, his lungs felt like they would collapse at any moment at the rate of his breathing pattern. The Japanese heat worsening the condition for him to go for a run.

 

Usually, on a day like this he would be in his room with the AC on full blast, his speakers would be softly playing some sort of classical music and he would be sucking an ice-pop.

 

What he wouldn’t kill for an ice-pop right now.

 

But he had to forget about that right now, it would probably make him regain the weight he had lost from vomiting in the bathroom.

 

The ebony haired male decided that two point five kilometers was enough exercise for today and walked back to the hot springs in which he would soak.

 

                                        ──── ✧ ────      

 

When he had eased into the warm water he sighed softly as the tight muscles loosened like the current flowing water. Steam evacuated the dirt from his pours and the atmosphere was calming.

 

Or until he heard Victors voice again sing a simple “hi!”

 

The Japanese man felt his stomach churn again, blood rushed to his face turning him a ruby red colour. This one man made him so flustered but… why?

 

Aside from having flawless facial features, shiny silver hair, straight snow teeth, ripped muscles, good taste in fashion, talents that Yuuri runs out of fingers to count, pretty eyes and-

 

Well what he meant was aside from being perfect in every way possible without being God, why else did this man make him flustered?

 

Yuuri couldn’t think right now, he felt his brain melt at the scene when Victor shuffled next to the darker man and draped an arm over his shoulders lovingly.

 

“Yuuri,”

 

When Victor said his name, no matter the tone, he felt his legs become weak and goosebumps appear on his skin aside the heat.

 

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

 

His heart fell to his feet yet somehow felt like it was in his mouth. If he told Victor, he would probably be weirded out by the fact that a twenty-four-year-old man had a crush on his coach ever since he was eleven.

 

Could he even call Victor a crush?

 

After the China Cup, he wasn’t entirely sure to be honest.

 

Yuuri kind of just sat there for a bit hoping that Victor would change the subject or move away but this man was determined.

 

Way too determined.

 

He gave Yuuri’s earlobe a soft bite and kissed it before asking him again.

 

“S-stop…” The Asian said in a low, soft voice.

 

“Well dammit how the hell am I supposed to get anything out of you if you can’t even communicate with me?!” he yelled pulling himself off Yuuri. “You won’t talk to me ever so how am I supposed to know if I did something wrong?!”

 

“Victor…”

 

“You make me feel awful sometimes you know?! Like all I do for you means nothing whatsoever and I’m just wasting your time! I feel pathetic when you slam the door in my face and all I want to do is be caring!”

 

“Victor.”

 

“And when you get pissy at me because I try to help makes me feel like shit, Yuuri! Absolute, utter shit! Why can’t you just talk to me like everyone else?! Instead you are _weird_ and for some reason love offending me! Isn’t that super?!”

 

“ ** _VICTOR!”_** Yuuri said before rushing away into his room. Yet again slamming the door behind him loud enough for Victor to hear his frustration and sadness. He gasped in a shaking breathe and slid his back down the door frame, sobbing.

 

Yuuri was right.

 

He _did_ make everyone around him miserable.

 

Even the happiest soul he knew.

 

He felt his throat betray him and enclose like a fish’s mouth. His lungs felt tired and weak but this time it wasn’t from running and he knew what was happening.

 

Anxiety attack.

 

Beginning to feel shame for crying over something he knew was his fault and that he inflicted on the person he loved most he cried even harder, trying to muffle what sounded like screams with a hard pillow thrown onto the ground nights before. It was cool against his face and helped tone the heat down, it wasn’t enough to stop him from crying though.

 

If only Victor knew how much Yuuri loved him.

 

_“It’s all my fault that Victor feels like he’s failing. All I do is hurt everyone and bring whatever anxiety I have onto other people. I’m a black cloud full of rain covering the whole world.”_

 

Yuuri felt his eyes grow heavy and his head felt like weights but somehow light all at once, first his back came crashing down to his floor and then his skull too with a mighty thump.

 

Yuuri had passed out.

 

                                          ──── ✧ ────      

 

There were two soft knocks on his door when he woke up.

 

“Yuuri?” came a familiar voice.

 

He couldn’t face Victor for many reasons right now. (1) Because he looked like he passed out but also got hit by a wave. (2) Because of what Victor said. And (3) Because he became flustered around him.

 

But right now, it was mainly the first two.

 

Yuuri muttered out a choked voice which sounded as if it were dragged along gravel, “go away.”

 

The Asian heard an audible sigh from the other side of his bedroom door followed by the creaking of his hinges.

 

“Victor…”

 

“Yuuri, I’ll be out of your room once I’ve finished talking to you. I won’t speak for as long as you need and I promise I’ll be out of your hair just please listen to me.”

 

Yuuri nodded hesitantly.

 

“Look, I completely understand if you hate me right now, I wouldn’t blame you at all, but I have been feeling neglected lately and when I do get neglected I have intentions of yelling and getting agitated easily but I cross my heart that I meant nothing of what I said. You’re the most intelligent, kind-hearted and bravest person I’ve ever met and I thank God every day for him letting us meet. You mean so much to me.” He gave Yuuri’s forehead a kiss and got up, walking down the hall and into his room. Yuuri didn’t even get a word in but was blushing profusely.

 

“ _I mean a lot to him and he kissed me.”_ He thought. “ _But a friendly kiss I’m sure.”_


	4. Blanket Forts, Shenanigans And Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vic finds yuuri relaxing in the blanket fort he built and they talk and confess stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoopsies guess who's lazy and sucks at updates

The atmosphere was awkward with Victor after their fight.

 

Although he apologized and gave him a _friendly_ kiss on the forehead it became harder to start and finish the conversations. Finally, Yuuri’s mother brought out dinner for the both of them and ended the awkward silence with her bubbly sing-song voice, bringing out two dishes of oyakodon. Lots of eggs, rice and onion filled the aroma of the room and the scent was almost unbearable.

 

“Thank you, Hiroko!” The Russian beamed back, bowing his head in time with Yuuri as a sign of respect and picking up a large spoonful of the broth.

 

That was another reason Yuuri loved Victor, the simple quirks he had like using a spoon instead of chopsticks because he always stabbed his food with the wooden length instead of using them properly like most people here.

 

He was unique.

 

Humorous too.

 

The silver haired male made small talk with the chubby mother of Yuuri while he mixed and played with his food but avoided any contact between it and his mouth in fear of any weight he would gain. After all, this was considered a high dosage of calories in Japan and was very fattening. It was tempting his appetite and at some stages he would pick up some of the chicken and shallots but his mind told him all the bad things that would happen to his body if he did put it into his body. Somehow it was almost as if his mind seeped out of his ears and was built into an ill lit figure, tall and overcasting, its immense body shape blocking out the other thoughts so that it dominated all of Yuuris’ brain. He set aside the chopsticks and pushed his chair in before he trotted into the bathroom for a shower.

 

“Weren’t you hungry, 愛?” An acquainted red haired woman called from behind, making Yuuri stop in his tracks. He loathed lying to anyone, his own mother especially. She always put such hard work into taking care of him whether it be shopping for him since he hated the crowds at the markets, getting him into skating lessons when he was younger which has brought him to where he was today or even cooking his meals provided that he was healthy and happy. But he was fat, which wasn’t healthy. And right now, he wasn’t happy. If he ate it the number on the scales would become bigger and Victor wouldn’t like that if he was fat because people like him didn’t date insecure, overweight piggy’s.  “Yeah, I felt a bit off tonight. Thank you for dinner!” he yelled from down the hallway in the bathroom, yet again slamming the door behind him and cupping his face in shame.  _“Why do I have to be so worthless?! I’m lying to my own mother which is utterly pathetic!”_ He thought to himself, inhaling and exhaling deep breaths to calm himself down, this time not even looking at the scales and taking his clothes off to shower. He was drained, emotionally and physically and right now he was looking forward to making a blanket fort, listening to his playlist and succumbing into a period of rest since he planned an early morning jog straight up.                                                             ──── ✧ ────  Pillow upon pillow, blanket upon blanket and sheet upon sheet were stacked and held up by Yuuri’s bed frame, soft music played through his ear buds as he sighed, finally feeling at peace after these stress-filled days. The Asian let himself sink into the cosy fort practically engulfing himself in fabric as he let himself think for a moment, not bad thoughts, but thoughts that put him at ease.  Victor.  He liked thinking about living with the man.    _Yuuri would wake up to his soft sleepy face, glazed eyes would open so Yuuri could see the beautiful glistening azure orbs, Yuuri would smile at his still tired figure and get up to cook breakfast for him, ruffling his messed mop of hair on the way past. He would cook whatever Victors favourite meal for him so he would be rewarded with the Russians affection when he awoke. Mindlessly, he would feel a pair of muscular arms snake around his waist and a hot breath against his collar, soft Russian would be whispered against his skin as he smiled in delight at the sudden gesture. Yuuri would finish cooking the food for him and Victor just to turn around and wrap his arms gently around Victors neck so he could face him. The platinum haired man would smile gently, still tired and kiss Yuuri’s lips._ Oh Lord.  He could never forget all those times Victor had pressed his polished lips against his olive skin as praise for his performance. Of course, he cherished all those moments but his all-time favourite memory was when Victor hungrily, almost needily, kissed the Asian on the mouth. His tongue lightly brushing against Yuuri’s bottom lip, melting into Yuuri and all on live television, demonstrating his love for him in front of whoever was watching.   These were the sort of thoughts that calmed him. That brought him to ease at his most difficult times. He nuzzled happily into his pillows and thought more and more about the same exact thing.  The relaxation stopped when an audible click came from the knob of his door followed by footsteps and the lifting of Yuuri’s fort, a pale chiselled face appeared which belonged to Victor.  “Hi!” he beamed happily, “may I come in?”  “Y-yeah...”   The Russian carefully entered, making sure not to tear the fort down. He crawled next to Yuuri’s side and yet again draping his arm over him. Yuuri wasn’t as tense though after being in a calm mood plus, Victor was quiet which made him less flustered around the strong built man. They sat for a bit, by this point Victor would have broken the silence but he was staring at the gigantic fort, instead Yuuri broke the awkwardness and offered him an earbud, Victor looked down and took it hesitantly and pushing it into his ear hole, letting the music pass through his head in silence.   _”She said ‘hello mister, pleased to meet ya’_ _  
I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her  
She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies  
She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy  
  
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane  
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane  
Hey hey  
Hey hey”_ They both sighed in sync, noticing it and blushing shyly, Victors arm still around Yuuri’s figure. The ebony haired boy awkwardly tried showing affection back to Victor and took a hold of his hand that was over his shoulders, hands cupped together and their rings made a small sound when tapping against each other. Victor aw-ed aloud and snuggled into his side, making Yuuri smile at the gesture and run his free hand through his hair.  “Sorry for before, again. It’s just that when I was a child I was neglected severely by my own two parents which didn’t give me someone to spread the love I have onto and I completely understand that you’re shy, but can I confess something?”  “Yeah?”  “I go to you because I feel joy and everything pure when I’m around you, like your happiness is radiant. Another reason is because you’re simply you; soft, intelligent, charming. You make me happy and comfortable to be myself without fear of being judged because I know I’m strange and over affectionate most of the time but you don’t care and you’re still with me.” He kissed Yuuri’s cheek as the said man felt colour rush to his face.  “C-can I say something too? Thank you by the way…” he asked shyly kissing Victors cheek back.  “Of course!” Victor replied quite pleased with the affectionate movement.  “Ever since I was a child… I looked up to you. Not just as an idol but more too… I would fantasize about meeting you and having an autograph from you. Signed by my idol in his own handwriting, using his own pen. I have posters of you and body-pillows and merchandise too. On my older computer was bookmarked pages of your modelling shoots, articles and facts about you. I had a poodle just like Makkachin and I named him after you, Vicchan. I…” he breathed out prepping himself for what he was about to say and trying to find the right words but he choked and he just couldn’t. “I am very happy you’re here.” It wasn’t at all a lie but it wasn’t exactly what he was planning to say.  “Yuuri!” Victor jumped onto the said boy smothering him in affection and a tight embrace, “you’re so cute! I’m happy to be here if it’s with you~”  Yuuri smiled into Victor’s neck and hugged him back just as tight, slowly blinking and giving a loud yawn.  “Someone’s tired,” the Russian beamed pointing out. All Yuuri could do was nod in reply. Victor swiftly pulled a spare blanket over them both. He curled on Yuuri indicating that he was the big spoon and Yuuri was the little one.  “H-huh?” he whispered.  “Shh, Yura.” Victor cooed rubbing his back soothingly pushing Yuuri deeper into a sleepy state. As he was falling asleep he felt his stomach as a habit, realising that he could feel less of him, less ugliness, that was why Victor was lovey dovey tonight was because Yuuri was skinnier. It all made sense. His ribs stuck out a bit not unhealthily but just slightly so much so that it was only just the bottom part peeking out barely. He could feel some muscle on his tummy and his things and chest felt less like dough. He was happy right now, just keep not eating as much and exercising up then he’d be truly happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> naww these dorks
> 
>  
> 
> please leaves kudos and comments frans ily


	5. The Cafe Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> otayuri is ft and lots of fluff and severe angst at the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking yike lmao

Yuuri awoke with a happy sigh, still tired from last night’s shenanigans featuring Victor and rolled into his chest, inhaling the scent of mint and deodorant he nuzzled deeper into the strong-built Russians chest. The said man must have been awoken by this sudden gesture of affection and gently rubbed the small of Yura’s back in soft circles making sure that it wouldn’t startle or make him uncomfortable. Ebony entangled with platinum blonde, limbs bonded together and heartbeats were in sync with each other. Yuuri was in bed with the man he would only ever dream about. It was like every non-sexual fantasy had come true.   “Good morning, Юрий,” he said pressing his lips against Yuuri’s forehead whilst smiling.   His accent made Yuuri’s legs weak and feel almost non-existent. The way his raspy voice flowed so smoothly, his messed bed hair was still yet somehow beautifully structured and his abs that were practically _bulging_ sent Yuuri’s heart into skipping a beat. He was so sexy and it just turned eight in the morning?! Yuuri didn’t reply but instead blushed and buried his face deeper into his crush’s chest in hopes to hide his vulnerability. A muffled “good morning” was heard from the younger male and Victor sighed happily.  “Should we get breakfast?”  Yuuri nodded into his chest sad?”  Yuuri nodded into his chest sadly. He didn’t want to get up just yet, he would sleep with Victor all day if he could and do nothing as long as he was in the Russians arms then he felt content. Victor noticed this and gave a throaty chuckle before swiftly lifting Yuuri up so his arms were snuggly wrapped around Victors neck and his legs around his waist.  “V-victor!” Yuuri squeaked, squirming in his grasp slightly.  “Wow! You’re _ARE_ getting heavier!” he laughed out of breath jokingly. Yuuri didn’t see the joke in it and was hurt by his words making him stop squirming. When they reached the kitchen, Victor set him down on a chair and rummaged through the pantry which stored their food. “Don’t worry about cooking. I’ll make us some eggs on toast. Does that sound good, младенец?”   The ebony haired man became flustered as he quickly translated the pet name Victor had given him and nodded shyly.   _“Did he just call me ‘baby’?!”_ he asked himself reciting the name over and over in his head.  

Mladenets.

 

 

Mladenets.

 

 

Mladenets.

 

 

Yep, that definitely translated into baby. His heart was pounding and it felt as though it would pound its way out of his chest at any moment.

 

 

When the eggs had finished cooking he handed Yuuri a plateful of the boiled eggs. Typically, the Japanese man wouldn’t eat eggs on toast as a daily meal and went for more ‘Asian Authentic’ foods such as rice or noodles. Without thinking twice, he scoffed down the food in less than three minutes. After not eating as much as he used to his appetite was practically seething with hunger.

 

 

“By the way, Yura; we’re going out for lunch with Otabek and Yurio at a newly opened café near the beach. It can be a double date sort of thing!” he beamed happily with his heart shaped mouth.

 

 

“Okay.” Yuuri said replying half-heartedly. He liked Yurio but sometimes he was a bit harsh when it came to insulting him.

 

 

With that they were both in their rooms getting changed and luckily Yuuri didn’t have a mirror in his bedroom which made it a little bit more comforting to change without fear of breaking down because of a silly reflection.

 

 

   ⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀                         ──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

They arrived by taxi to the spot with the title of “Sweethearts Café” marking it in bold cursive pink letters. Victor thanked the driver and paid them before they drove off in a flurry. They both admired the pretty setting, gazing into Hasetu’s beautifully vast landscape and exhaling happily.

 

 

“Oi! Idiots! Stop staring at the beach and sit with us! I’m starved!” a familiar angry voice called from nearby in the café.

 

 

They craned their necks away from the setting to recognize a long blonde haired boy sitting beside a tanned boy with coffee brown hair.

 

 

Otabek and Yurio.

 

 

“Hi!” Victor grinned profusely before taking Yuuri’s wrist and running to the café to meet them there.

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

Gazing at each other, Beka and Yuri made small talk accompanied by the gentle waves from the ocean crashing down upon the sandy shores. The sunlight gave a radiant glow that reflected off the younger Russians hair making the atmosphere just a tad more beautiful. They had all ordered lunch and had it arrived which they ate, taking their time just to enjoy the company of one another. They talked mainly about Russia and Yuri’s grandpa, occasionally they would talk about what it’s like living with each other and the relationship between the sixteen-year-old and eighteen-year-old boys.

 

 

“So… You and Otabek… What type of relationship are you?! Friends?! Friends with benefits?! Boyfriends?!” Victor asked squealing over the situation. For a while there had been photos on Instagram, snapchat, twitter and various other social media sites of them looking slightly more ‘closer’ at it would say, with Yuri’s arms wrapped securely around Beka’s waist on their motorbike, various photos of them kissing each other on the cheek, nose or forehead, and others such as the one where the taller male gave the Russian a piggy-back.

 

 

“Sh-shut up, old man!” the said boy yelled blushing profusely trying his best to mask it with anger.

 

 

“But if you want to know so badly, we’re taking it slow before we start a relationship that’s ‘intimate’.” Otabek stated with confidence which answered the other Russians question making him clap over enthusiastically. Yuri was obviously embarrassed and tried to change the subject.

 

 

“Hey pig!”

 

 

He was talking to Yuuri who was fumbling with his shirt and glumly looked up, unamused by the nickname.

 

 

“Y-yes?”

 

 

“Have you been gaining weight or something? Your gut hangs over your jeans like sludge.”

 

 

Everyone at the table laughed at Yuri’s snarky remark about the heaviness of the Asian but he didn’t see anything remotely funny about what Yuri just said. He felt his breath hitch and tears swell at the brim of his eyes. The laughter became distant and his vison blurred due to the transparent salty water which would soon spill past his eyes. He felt his lungs intake sharper breaths and he felt his insecurity take over which steered him away from the table, calmly walking away from his chair and dropping one-hundred dollars on his way past next to Victor who looked hurt. The said Russian ran up to Yuuri and gently put his arm on Yuuri’s shoulder, clearly sympathetic of what happened back at the café. Yuuri jerked his shoulder away and never faced Victor, he didn’t want him to see how pathetic he must have looked right now and if he did Yurio and Otabek would see his tear stained face which would make him look vulnerable. His breath hitched once again before he managed to let words spill past his lips.

 

 

“I left money on the table for you so you could pay on my behalf for lunch and for the taxi home. Thank you.” He explained before running away again, not giving Victor a chance to speak but looking at him with great sorrow in his eyes.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

Yuuri jogged all the way home, crying the whole way not caring what bystanders he passed saw the state he was in; red faced, heaving in his breaths in a somewhat attempt to calm himself down which only made his crying worsen.

 

 

_You messed up again. You probably looked pathetic out there, sobbing over something you KNOW is true. Your body is disgustingly fat and you’re overweight. You ate way too much at the café. Today you have messed up big time and in front of Victor too. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid._

He forcefully hit his temples in hope that he would get some kind of amnesia and forget he ever existed which only made his urge for pain worsen. He did the usual routine and grabbed the razor from his drawers and without hesitation he slowly pressed down and slid across both sides of his stomach, gasping for air as he did so. He looked like a mess; shaking, taking quick, sharp breaths in and out, blood pouring down him and his face was pale. The voice in his head became a dark figure hovering above him in which his brain had turned insecurity and anxiety into a person. Their long bony fingers extended down Yuuris shoulders as it bent down to whisper nonsense into his ear about how he was worthless and fat and Yurio was right and he deserved pain. Sadly, the Asian man believed all these things which made him develop a serious case of nausea as he bolted to the bathroom and disgorged his lunch into the toilet bowl. He felt the tightness in his chest rise and threw up another pile onto his last round before shakily making his way back to the bedroom, tucking himself in and crying until he felt tired which seemed like forever. His insecurity still in the room with him making him realise it would be an almost sleepless night.

 

 

What he didn’t know was Victor was also sobbing in his own room after hearing the belted cries Yuuri gave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are gladly appreciated!


	6. A New Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri has a panic attack and when mari and vic try to help it causes an argument and more tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hueskandmsk i want to diE

The morning after the café incident was horrible to simply have happen; he was tired, eyes dry and heavy, body not co-operating and limbs failed his command yet despite all of this he couldn’t sleep. His mind went back to the same scenario from yesterday where Yuri called him fat and how he embarrassed himself in front of everyone at the restaurant, especially his azure eyed lover. He couldn’t even take one damned remark about something he knew was true without his anxiety getting the best of him. A feeling within his mind that forced him into countless nights with lack of rest as all he could do was overthink how horrible and useless he was, how his body controlled him which drove his brain to the brink of depression, but he couldn’t self-diagnose. A loud noise occurred in his stomach as it bellowed a low sound indicating that he was hungry. Usually, he would have gotten out of bed for breakfast but instead a new feeling had occurred when he thought of food, it was unfamiliar, unacquainted but not the good new feeling you usually get: it was as if his anxiety rose when he thought of putting food into his mouth, hell, he didn’t even think it was food right now and instead his mind resorted to calories which would just make him fat and gross.

 

 

That’s why Victor doesn’t love you, he only kissed you at the China Cup to get a better popularity in hopes of you winning gold but you can’t even do that and lost to a fifteen-year-old. You’re fat, a f*cking disgrace to the thinner Japanese culture and you can’t even maintain your weight which is why Victor doesn’t care whether you’re a fat piggy or not because there’s no point in coaching and maintaining the diet of someone like yourself because you’re overweight and disgustingly huge for a figure skater especially.

 

 

His insecurity became a person again, dark and looming, hunched over his bed and a deep voice that screamed through his head still somehow sounding like a whisper all at once. He curled in on himself, an immense pain soon to follow where he had hurt yesterday but all he cared about right now was the voice hanging above him and taunting the Asian with its harsh words. He grasped a clump of his ebony hair in an attempt to distract himself from the voice which only made it worse. His heart raced in his ribcage like an animal and his breathing quickened yet again, he desperately screamed into his pillow which made the feeling worse. Suddenly, two knocks were heard from his door followed by a familiar females’ voice.

 

 

“Yuu-chan…?”

 

 

His sister, Mari had a deep concern in the tone of her voice but Yuuri couldn’t answer as he knew he would choke and splutter and make the smoker concerned. Mari was worried about her younger brother though and entered his dim lit room, watching the skater visibly shake and tremble underneath his covers, hearing every audible hitched breath he took and witnessing his muscles almost go into a spasm as they cramped in on themselves. She rushed over and flipped him so he was on his back, helping his windpipe to hopefully open up and let him breathe. It worked a bit, he still shook and trembled with anxiety but a soothing hand ran through his hair coping to calm him a bit. Her mind thought of the one person that could help and cried out his name in an attempt to gather some love and warmth into his heart and release his stress.

 

 

“Victor! Hurry! It’s Yuuri, he’s having an anxiety attack!” her loud corrupted voice echoed down the hall and footsteps that belonged to the said man followed and soon he was in Yuuri’s room beside Mari. He was almost as panicked as the smoker if not then more, he put a comforting hand on Yuuri’s thigh and told him the same repeated thing.

 

 

“Deep breaths in. And out. In. out. In. Out. I-“

 

 

“Sh-shut up already!” Yuuri spat and urged Victor’s hand away from him, glaring at them through his tears in rage. “D-don’t you remember?! I’m a fat pig with sludge for a stomach! You can’t possibly be anywhere near someone who’s overweight and disgusting like me?! Only for you to laugh at and then make it all about you when guess what?! It isn’t!”

 

 

“Yuuri.” Mari said looking at Victor who’s face went pale and mouth agape with fear as tears stung his sapphire eyes.

 

 

“Shut up, Mari! Since when have you ever cared about me! The only time you went to check on me and if I was okay was when you were sober as a child and not smoking and going off your brain when you were on the piss!”

 

 

Both people beside Yuuri’s bed looked like a mix of emotions that ranged between confused and hurt. First, Mari left the room, not turning back, not saying anything to conclude the conversation she simply left. Yuuri felt hurt but didn’t show it and only sobbed into his pillow with frustration.

 

 

“Yuur-“

 

 

“Stop.”

 

 

And so, Victor did. He left the room almost identical to the way Mari did but he spoke to end the awkwardness.

 

 

“You know, I think you’re amazing, Yuuri. But if you’re like this when your sister and I are trying to help, there’s no point in staying here.” And then he left.

 

 

Just like that.

 

 

The Asian thought he would be the slightest bit understanding even though he was being an asshole but no: he fucked up yet another relationship he managed to sustain just even a little bit and Victor was going to leave. He cried even worse than before and dialed Phichit’s number with shaking hands. He picked up on the seventh ring.

 

 

“Hello?” his voice sounded raspy, Yuuri assumed he had just woken up.

 

 

“I messed up with Victor.”


	7. Phone Calls With My Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PHICHIT IS THE BEST BOY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT PLEASE I'M EXTREMELY INSECURE AND I LOVE GETTING INBOXES

Yuuri’s breath hitched audibly for Phichit to become concerned.

 

 

“What happened Yuuri?”

 

 

“I w-was having a panic attack because of this stupid voice in my head an-“

 

 

“Wait, ‘voice in your head’?”

 

 

“Like you… you know when you just feel in-insecure and worthless and it can become really b-bad? Well it feels like a voice to me… Anyways, I was having an anxiety attack and Mari-chan came in to check on me and she could hear me, I th-think,” his breath hitched again and tears flew past his eyes, “I-I’m sorry, Phichit, can y-you give me a moment?”

 

 

“Yes of course, Yura.”

 

 

He awaited patiently for Yuuri’s voice again which took around a minute or so for him to steady himself, “I think Victor is breaking it off with me and moving back to Russia because I yelled at him.”

 

 

“Yuuri! I’m so so sorry to hear that!”

 

 

He sniffled in reply.

 

 

“Well, there’s always someone better in the world for you. There’s seven point something billion people living in this Earth who are better than him.”

 

 

“See Phichit, that’s the thing. There is no one better because he is the best. For years I have prayed for him to appear or to even just get a photo signed by him, never in a million years would I have dreamed of something so perfect that not only were we on the same ice but he’s coaching me and he’s in my house and he kissed me with his perfect soft lips and hugs me with warm embracing hands and he helps all my worries and stress go down and I feel awful, Phichit, because I can’t manage to get my head around what he’s saying, it’s as if I hear it but I’m not listening. He cares so so much about me and now he could be leaving and I can’t stop that and I’ll have to watch the man I am in love with walk right out my door and find another person to marry and grow old with and I can’t stop it because he’d be happier without me Phichit.” He was full-blown sobbing openly to his Thai best friend who had just woken up.

 

 

There was a long silence, perhaps he could be thinking and then he breathed his words before hanging up which were “look I think you should just talk with each other and figure things out that way. It’s almost three in the morning here and I can’t think straight to bye. Talk later~”

 

 

Setting his phone aside, he cupped his face with his shaking hands and sobbed into them for a good ten minutes before Voice appeared and spoke to him with his bearing teeth and scrawny hunched figure.

 

 

Not even your best friend wants to deal with your emotional pitiful problems because you overdramatize every single little minor inconvenience that happens to come your way which is why no one wants to be around you including Victor! Why don’t you do everyone a favour and end your miserable life by flying off a ten-story building.

 

 

He felt as if the tightness in his chest had reached his whole body, making him curl in on himself and let out a scream that asserted with his loud cries that Mari and Victor must be ignoring this time because of how bitchy he had been to them before. Somehow, he managed all the strength in his body and mustered it up before crawling to the desk drawer, opening it and fidgeting around inside it before something in his head clicked and signaled him that he had found it.

 

 

The scissors.

 

 

He didn’t hesitate and pulled down his pants, making three large distorted cuts on the top of his right leg. There was blood everywhere, flowing onto his carpet and wooden floor. But it relieved him of the voice in his head and made the tightness in his chest loosen so he was breathing at a decent pace. Shaky, but decent. He’d just have to wear longer pants and a bandage, then maybe later he should apologize to his sister and the Russian. ⠀

 

 

⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

The ebony haired boy awoke with a groan yet again, his phone going off nonstop with texts being that the internet somehow sped up his notifications. There was no point in sleeping now, he checked the time.

 

 

_13:57._

Almost two in the afternoon.

 

 

He tried his absolute hardest to get out of bed but instead winced in pain at the sharp almost citrus like feeling in where his fresh cuts appeared. Trying, yet again to rise and walk out of his room but he just couldn’t. With a sigh, he reached out for his phone and texted Mari.

 

 

**_Yuuri. K: “hey… i am so so incredibly sorry about this morning. i guess the panic kind of took over me again and my mind only focused on the negative. srry i can’t rly get outta bed at the moment, legs r sore… but plz accept my apology and if not i understand but b4 u ignore my text, tell vic to plz come in so i can apologize what i said 2 him especially. Ily <3” _ **

****

****

Before he even knew it, Victor swung open the door, a look of crying and sadness hinted in the pupil of his eyes as he looked into Yuuri’s hazel ones with slight fear, covering it up with a tough voice.

 

 

“Yuur-“

 

 

The Asian wrapped his arms around his torso with effort as he still sat in his bed with butchered thighs. Although the platinum blonde was still slightly mad, who was he to say no to this perfect boy’s gesture of affection? He hugged him back tightly.

 

 

“I am so so fucking sorry about this morning. If you want to leave I would understand and let you go back to Russia or somewhere else, just please, for me you need to understand how much I mean it when I say that I’m sorry.”

 

 

Pulling away, he pressed their foreheads together and kissed both of his cheeks gently and whispered, “it’s okay, моя любовь. I love you.”

 

 

“I-“ he stuttered, still shy around him, but it was three simple words, easy.

 

 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING A DUMB TRANS KID THAT SITS IN THEIR ROOM CRYING AND WRITING UNTIL ONE IN THE MORNING IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL AND LOVED!!!
> 
>  
> 
> AAAAAAaaaAAaAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaAaaa I LOVE YOU ALL VVV MUCH
> 
> (just incase ya wanna know my pronouns it's they/them/he pls don't be a dink)


	8. Undeniable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what relationship are yuuri and victor?

Yuuri figured it was time to eat something today, even just the smallest amount. Victor was in the kitchen scrolling through his phone in silence and chewing on a biscuit prepared earlier by Yuuri’s mother. He said they tasted of the ocean which for some reason he immensely enjoyed. The Japanese man lazily rolled out of bed, his form moving and feeling himself become bigger as gravity took its turn on his body.

 

He felt fat.

 

Tears welled in his eyes, threatening to spill past his face. Rushing to the bathroom in a flurry he shakily set his hand on the knob wondering if it was a good idea to weigh himself which could possibly cause another shutdown and the appearance of Voice?

 

 

He ignored the thought as he felt rolls of skin and fat form as his hunched figure curled in more on himself and quickly bolted to the scales.

 

 

And how he wished he wouldn’t.

 

 

The number was sickeningly large and had gone up by one and a bit kilograms last time he checked. His mind swirled, feeling light above the neck and heavy below, tears finally fulfilling their threat and dripping past his chin and stopping at his collar bones which showed quite well. He couldn’t throw up, being that there was no food or water in his stomach so he didn’t bother this time and resolved his frustration and sadness by indenting a swift cut into his left thigh, leaving four small, closely placed cuts on the pale skin. It relieved him a bit and took his mind from the mental pain he had felt towards his body. He wrapped it up with a thin, pale yellow bandage in a hope to cover it up.

 

 

⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

He had gotten changed into sweat pants and a thin-strapped black shirt along with his blue cross trainers. Even when he thought of anything blue all that came to his mind wasn’t even the object itself but it was Victor and his blue, blue eyes. He was so utterly and helplessly in love with this man that popped into his life so suddenly. Although he had crushed on the Russian for over ten years since he was eleven he had never spoken to him until he saw the video recorded by Axel, Lutz and Loop that had been posted for the whole worlds viewing including Victors. He still had no idea why the said man decided to coach a fat, ugly pig like him. He even said that himself to Yuuri’s face.

 

 

Sweat poured off his forehead, heartbeat racing feeling as though it would burst out of his chest and break his rib cage, legs weak, arms heavy. His everything ached. The “small jog” he originally planned for turned to six kilometres, there and back. He didn’t want to be skinny.

 

 

He _needed_ to be skinny.

 

 

If he was skinny he could be beautiful and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t look like a fat oaf and Victor would _actually_ love him just as much as Yuuri did to him.

 

 

Never more though.

 

 

⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

Once he arrived home it was almost dinner, he could smell it being prepared. Once he stepped through the door he was a shaking, panting mess of frustration and determination. He wanted to be thin. He needed to be thin. Thin means that he was perfect. Thin means that he was beautiful. He decided to skip dinner again. Telling his mother he felt tired. And he did, mentally.

 

 

Lying flat on his bed, face to the ceiling fan above where he slept, he gently played some soft music in his ears, hoping that it would calm his nerves and guilt about skipping dinner yet again. He had not eaten anything all day or drank anything, a feeling of almost fear and anxiety hinted at his brain when he thought of the number becoming larger on the scales. He tried sleeping but his brain was riled up with thought. He didn’t do enough exercise today.

 

 

He crossed his arms over his chest and rose his upper body towards the ceiling leaving him in an upright seating position. He did this several more times.

 

 

Up.

 

 

Down.

 

 

Up.

 

 

Down.

 

 

And so on.

 

 

He exhaled heavy breaths and his whole body shook. It became difficult as he made more and for himself to do in the process of becoming perfect. He eventually settled down and shook severely. Not out of panic but from overworking his already thinning body. He wasn’t thin enough yet. Not for Victor, at least. Speaking of Victor, a familiar man walked through his door and knelt beside his bedside. Yuuri didn’t make eye contact and continued to stare at the ceiling, not out of ignorance but simply from being mentally exhausted.

 

 

“Hi!” the said Russian smiled with his heart-shaped mouth, cheeks dusted a pretty pink colour, body crouched low next to Yuuri’s heaving figure.

 

 

He mustered out a soft “hi” in reply. There was a good awkward silence for about a minute, the platinum blonde man craning his neck to look around Yuuri’s room, admiring the setting while his fringe draped over his left eye, droplets of water softly falling down his face as he had just emerged from the shower. He looked so beautiful, Yuuri had never met anyone as stunningly charming as him, sometimes he had to avert his eyes due to the rushing feeling in his chest he got, so the ebony haired man closed his eyes in hopes to drift with the soft music whilst Victor still looked around his room astonished. While the Asian’s eyes were shut, he hadn’t noticed Victor peering through the drawers on the side of his bed, the bottom one, to be exact.

 

 

“Wow, Yuuri,” the said man opened one eye lazily to see what Victor was talking about and soon both flew open and his mouth was agape to what Victor was looking at:

 

 

It was the posters, mini figures, body pillow covers and other different ranges of merchandise with Victors face on it. And the said Russian was looking at all of them, quite pleased with himself, actually.

 

 

His arms flapped everywhere in an attempt to stop Victor but he was determined and stronger than the smaller boy.

 

 

“Wow! Am I a special interest of yours, моя любовь?!” he said through a chuckle.

 

 

Yuuri felt giddy at the nickname.

 

 

_My love._

‘He called me _my love._ He had to be joking.’ Yuuri thought to himself.

 

 

“Hey Victor…”

 

 

 

“Yes, Yuura?”

 

 

“What…” he choked on his words as anxiety crawled its way up his throat, “what am I… to you?”

 

 

 

Victor looked at him strangely, an eyebrow raised, mouth changing from the enthusiastic smile he displayed before to a crooked almost angry expression.

 

 

 

_He thinks you’re weird. He’s not a faggot like you, he’s normal and likes girls. The only reason he actually lay his lips on yours was for publicity and to give you the attention you don’t deserve. He’s making you his prized piglet. Think about it idiot!_

Voice had come at the worst time possible while Victor was in the room. Its tall looming figure sitting next to Yuuri and looking down at Victor. Why now? Why now, why now, why now?! The ebony haired boy felt his anxiety reach to a point where he felt his stomach churn, his face oven-like and burning up as moisture was captured at the ends of his eyes. Victor must have noticed and returned a warm smile along with a hand on Yuuri’s knee as he bent up, forehead resting on Yuuri’s. Though the pain from the recent episode of his cutting mixing with the slight force of Victors grip hurt a tad he didn’t mind, all he could focus on was the Russians beautiful cerulean eyes.

 

 

 

“Sorry. It looked like you were worried back there, I was just wondering why you would ask that because it really depends; what do _you_ consider us as, Yuuri?” his voice was so sexy, he knew I thought that because somehow he was making his accent stronger just for me almost dripping in honey, smooth.

 

 

 

“I-I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t want to do. Are we coach and student? Really close? B-,” deep breaths in, “boyfriends…?”

 

 

 

Victor did the unexpected and moved inwards, their foreheads still connected, his nose next to Yuuri’s, cheeks touching gently dusted rosy pink and lips connecting together. He felt as if he were melting through the floorboard in a puddle of sappy love songs and poems, his heart beating not from being out of breath or from anxiety but this time, ever since the China Cup a deep, true, undeniable feeling of what it felt to feel in love and it felt incredible.

 

 

 

“Did you like that?” Victor asked smiling after pulling away gently.

 

 

 

Yuuri replied by returning the kiss, it was short and sweet but the platinum blonde had the best kind of butterflies in his stomach.

 

 

 

“I’ll take that as a yes. So, I think we’re boyfriends. Is that alright with you, Yuura?”

 

 

 

“Yes. Yes. I love you, Victor. I love you so much.”

 

 

 

Victor became flustered but brushed it over with another soft kiss that lasted for four seconds, “as do I, моя любовь.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FfFFfffffFFFFff soRRY FOR NOT UPDATING I'VE HAD A SHIT-TONNE OF ASSIGNMENTS DUE AND I WAS FOCUSED ON THEM AND I'VE BEEN A BIT SAD RECENTLY BUT IT'S ALL GOOD GUYS SORRY SORRY SORRY
> 
>  
> 
> KUDOS AND COMMENTS ARE GLADLY APPRECIATED <3


	9. Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can you love someone you've dated for a day?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i came out to my mother and told her about the level of dysphoria i have so we're seeing someone to prevent me from wanting to die!!!1!1
> 
>  
> 
> sorry for the delay my assignments are piling up and it's stressful

The next morning wasn’t rushed for once, not with Yuuri forcing himself to face the day which he thought wouldn’t end well, which he thought his anxiety would tempt his self-loathing habits, which Voice would appear and tear his skin to shreds using nothing but the ebony haired mans hatred, disappointment and fear to tempt his hand with the razor in it. Instead he woke up with his loving now-boyfriend behind his thinning body, arms wrapped securely around his torso, hands linked together as they breathed in sync. As the Japanese man awoke softly he blushed shyly but quickly returned to sleeping beside his turquoise eyed lover. He was almost ineffectual to his new lifestyle with dating Victor and all that, someone who he admired for years was in bed, coddling him, showering him in affection romantically without even speaking or moving just simply by getting rest next to Yuuri. This was all he could ever dream about which sounded dumb and corny and something you’d hear in a movie about young in love teenage girls but it was real and true and he was here and that’s all that Yuuri wanted was to not be alone or with Voice he wanted his Victor.

 

 

 

His.

 

 

 

Victor was all his now and he wasn’t sharing.

 

 

 

He knew the skating world would be pissed at him for taking away their Victor but it didn’t matter. Perhaps he was being spoiled when it came to the Russian man but he would happily be called spoiled and greedy if it meant keeping Victor in his heart forever then he would oblige to that option.

 

 

 

Burying his face into the older man’s chest, he sighed happily which gave Victor something soft and sweet to wake him up. The Russian lazily dragged his fingers through the ebony haired man’s scalp making him jolt slightly, he wasn’t used to this sort of affection but he loved it more than anything, he wouldn’t hesitate to trade his galaxy, every star, every planet, every molecule making up star dust: he would trade his everything for mornings like these to last forever. Both Yuuri and the man beside him knew they had to get up, Victor being easier to awaken and face the day so with encouragement, he pressed a gentle yet firm kiss to the mop of hair on Yuuri’s head making butterflies bounce in his stomach but the good kind.

 

 

 

Yuuri groaned while Victor mustered a soft chuckle under his awakening breath, “good morning, my angel.”

 

 

 

“I love it when you give me pet names,” the smaller man’s voice was raged and sounded as though it were dragged along jagged rocks, the mop of ebony hair was ruffled and messed, strands of it falling upon Yuuri’s face gently or either standing high in the air, his mouth had dried saliva out of the corner and it was slightly open as he breathed in trying to capture the air in his dried throat, his nose red and flustered with blood rushing to his skin and his nut brown eyes squinted partially closed to protect himself from the morning rays of light that still somehow his pupils couldn’t adjust to. Despite all of these which Yuuri would find hideous Victor thought it was adorable, everything about this boy was adorable to him.

 

 

 

Yuuri was perfection.

 

 

 

Sitting up and removing themselves from the pillows and bed-spread, both men lazily made their way down the hallways towards the kitchen for breakfast, Victor grabbing two slices of whole-meal bread with fruit in it and placing it into the warm metal toaster and making himself some coffee with one sugar. His boyfriend fidgeted uncomfortably with the long blue string on his pajama pants, praying that Victor wouldn’t notice because God knows that he would feel guilty and Victor would give him “the eyes” and he would end up eating and feeling gross and bloated.

 

 

 

“Not hungry, baby?”

 

 

 

He felt the butterflies again.

 

 

 

“Yeah I had a lot to eat yesterday.”

 

 

 

Shit shit shit shit shit. Victor was giving him the eyes. Shit.

 

 

 

“B-but don’t worry I promise I will later!” he said brushing it off with a smile as Victor kissed his temple before softly sipping his coffee.

 

 

 

“Good boy,” oh shit Yuuri’s knees became weak. The smallest brink of self-control he had left in him held back him screaming like a twelve-year-old and turned sound into blood that had already rushed to his cheeks and spread rapidly. The blonde noticed and kissed one swiftly with love.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                                 ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀

 

 

 

Morning had passed and lunch slowly came around, most of the day was spent with both boys inseparable within five feet of each other as Victor insisted that since they were now-boyfriends they _must_ kiss and hug and cuddle and hold hands and have Yuuri sit directly next to him or in his lap along as long as he was comfortable with doing so.

 

 

 

And he was so he didn’t object.

 

 

 

As Yuuri was curled up next to Victor watching a shitty episode from Friends that was shittily dubbed Japanese they heard a loud knock come from the door followed by two voices.

 

 

 

The first being loud, layered thick with an accent and agitated tone which spill curses and cuss words telling them to open the door.

 

 

 

The second one being a lot softer and gentle yet firm, deep and somehow sounding like Victors coffee from earlier.

 

 

 

It was Yuri and Otabek.

 

 

 

“Open up, fuckweasels.”

 

 

 

_Fuckweasels._

_That was now Yuuri’s all-time favourite despite its purpose to offend him._

Rushing to the door clumsily he opened it for the two boys to enter and they did so, admiring the setting before them and greeting one another. Otabek greeting Yuuri while Yuri greeted Victor and then Otabek greeting Victor and Yuri greeting Yuuri however he became quiet as he did the unthinkable; he _apologised._

“Sorry for making that blunt remark about your body the other day… I guess you could say it’s part of my personality but that’s no excuse. I’m deeply sorry, Yuuri,” the said man smiled politely and pat his back, assuring him that there were no worries.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀

 

 

 

An hour or so progressed and all boys sat in front of the television, glazed over. Victor was whispering to Yuuri as he craned his neck to look up at him and giggling and/ or smiling while being peppered in kisses from his head to the nape of his neck softly, heart fluttering inside his chest and a warm colour spreading across his face as they parted each time. Yuri gagged at the romantic gestures audibly so that they heard and laughed softly, Otabek embarrassing him even more by squeezing his hand and kissing his cheek which made him look slightly hypocritical but he didn’t care less because he was happy.

 

 

 

“We’re about to have dinner, guys, which means showers. So, who’s going first?” Beka announced smelling the food getting closer to being taken out.

 

 

 

Victor kissed Yuuri’s neck gently and said “why don’t you go first, baby? I mean you don’t have to, but can you be a good boy for me and wash yourself?” his voice slick and smooth like cream and Yuuri wanted to be _devoured._ The fact that he called him baby and noted that he was a good boy and it made him want to spaz out but he got up, pressed his lips to the Russian’s hairline abruptly and made his way to the bathroom. Taking his shirt off, then his pants then his underwear and checking the scale even though he knew it was a dumb idea but to his surprise the numbers went down and a happy-surprised smile flashed. Glancing up at the mirror also made him happy because he was _thinner_ and thinner meant he was _beautiful._ If he fasted more regularly, he would hit the perfect weight.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀

 

 

 

When dinner rolled around they sat almost identical to lunch’s setting with both pairs of boyfriends sitting next to each other. What was for dinner was risotto made especially by the ebony haired boys lover, everyone enjoying it and having lots of helpings and polishing off the whole lot while also licking the bowls clean through chatter and hushed talks whereas Yuuri’s anxiety-around-food was acting up and he had a small spoonful with a weird, almost hurt look from Victor but it was quickly brushed away as he smiled cutely and Victor clenched his chest dramatically making Yuuri giggle softly.

 

 

 

Sun had set and night rose meaning that it was time for the two guests to drive home safely so with a hug, a shake of hands and a farewell they were on the road again and driving back to their shared apartment. Yuuri and his boyfriend got changed and settled into the next of blankets in the same position from last night with Victor as the big spoon and Yuuri as the little one. As they turned the lights and kissed each other goodnight, the said Russian hovered above Yuuri and asked something with a serious tone, making Yuuri’s heart skip a beat as his name rolled off his lover’s tongue.

 

 

 

“Did you like my risotto?” he asked with a hint of sadness at the back of his throat, Yuuri hugged him tightly and unexpectedly and whispered, tired, “I loved it. I was just full…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating im super unmotivated and my brain gets distracted easily and dysphoria is hitting me hard to the point where it's unbearable and i dont want to makkachoke i want to have nevermakkaexistedinthefirstplace


	10. It's Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri feels his weight lessen and he's happy and feels that he is perfect after not eating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait,,..,..,,,

Both men awoke around lunch, rays of light seeping through the cracks of uncovered glass and curtain, the atmosphere was lazy and suggested that this day wouldn’t involve lots of work or movement and simply just time with one another. All the Katsuki family was awake and making lunch except for Mari who was gently tugging the sheets of them, giving them nicknames such as “sleepyhead” or “lazy-ass” in the process. Victor, of course, was out of the bed and rushing to make something to eat, astonished that he had woken up this late and lightly nudging his coffee-eyed lover awake, staying beside him to make sure he was properly awake and not faking it to make Victor feel accomplished in his attempt. The older man made himself coffee and two pieces of fruit toast with butter on it, his father, Toshiya, reading the paper with miso soup broth being noisily slurped, Hiroko had already eaten earlier and was washing up the dishes and Mari was the same as her mother. Yuuri, however, had his stomach churn at the thought of food, anxiety controlling his mind that if he ate he would gain the weight he lost.

 

 

 

Think about it: you ate too much last night, WAY too much! If you ate anything today you’d gain weight and Victor doesn’t date obese, plain pigs; he dates **skinny** people plus this is the best weight you’ve been at all your life. Take it, fatso.

 

 

 

He sat down and scrolled through the recent comments on his Instagram post (the photo being of Makkachin curled up in a fluffy ball of curled brown hair) almost every single comment was regarding to how adorable he was, very few were nasty, Yuuri of course deleting those, but as he kept looking there were some that made him really… sad? Calling him fat or chubby and nicknames disrespecting his body and weight. He blinked back tears because he felt so pathetic and vulnerable but why? He wasn’t even in that photo and he didn’t have any photos of him topless or showing his stomach, the only thing close to that was the full body pictures that he had posted ages ago. That didn’t stop him from bolting to his room, changing into some exercise gear and playing music whilst going on a jog with the said dog.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

His jog was originally planned to be at least 3 kilometres but had quickly turned to 7.5 (there and back), he puffed and heaved as he set the leash he used on Victor’s dog on the coffee table and proceeded to head towards the bathroom for a shower and continuing his usual routine of checking the scales and his reflection. As he hopped on the scales, he beamed radiantly at the decrease in the numbers on there and his reflection as each day there was less and less of him, his hipbones poking out not unhealthily but just enough to prove the loss in weight that had happened throughout these past few weeks, his ribs did the same and his muscles weren’t big exactly but they did indeed show around his stomach mainly.

 

 

 

After he had showered, 3 pm headed around the corner, he sat down to watch TV next to his mother and became overcome with boredom quickly, the surpassing numbness in his legs gave a tingly uncomfortable sensation throughout his entire body to the point where it brought him an almost _painful_ feeling. He ended up getting up shortly after and headed out the door to exercise, not as extreme as before, he simply just walked, looking vacantly into the horizon of the abstract colours that formed the sunset which had settled over the grey water of the ocean, alerting all who could see it that night would fall over soon.

 

 

 

Walking calmed the said Japanese man when he had struggled, even when he didn’t want to leave the warmth of his bed and the sadness made his body cling to that “safe spot” in the hush of his house, walking calmed his stress and anxiety because he could see the wonderful world around him and how if he wasn’t here he couldn’t experience it.

 

 

 

_It made him glad to simply stare._

 

 

 

He made his way back once the sun dimmed and moon arose, walking through the door only to be greeted by his wonderful boyfriend pressing his soft, plush lips his cheek, making his grin burst into a toothy smile.

 

 

 

“I missed you, cолнечный свет,” Victor said through the big bottom lip forming.

 

 

 

“I did too, Vitya. I love you,” Yuuri kissed him back sweetly on the lips.

 

 

 

The Russian of course forgave him immediately and said a quick prayer to God for blessing him with such a pure boyfriend. Victor had prepared dinner again for all the Katsuki family, they of course scoffed it down and had seconds, complimenting him on the way which gave a warm glow in his chest. Yuuri, however, had one helping that barely filled his bowl and three cups of refreshing water with crushed ice in it.

 

 

 

  
──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

The two lovers got ready for bed and as Yuuri was plugging in his phone to the charging power-point he heard Victor call his name in a sad voice.

 

 

 

“Yes, Victor?” he looked at Victor’s eyes like he usually would and felt his heart physically feel like it was being ripped out of his chest: there were tears streaming down his flushed cheeks and more to continue and the normal whiteness in his eyes had a rose colour hint as them, his breathing was shaky and let soft almost silent sobs fly past his quaking lips.

 

 

 

“ _Victor!_ What’s wrong?!” Yuuri immediately wrapped his arms around the older man before pulling away to listen to the issue he was sobbing over.

 

 

 

“D-do you like my cooking, Yuuri?” the said man stammered.

 

 

 

His heart clenched and shattered to see a man so happy upset over something so trivial and he couldn’t react. He hated lying but he couldn’t tell him that he didn’t want to gain weight  because it even sounded stupid coming out of Yuuri’s head so he couldn’t _possibly_ say it aloud.

 

 

 

“I just wasn’t hungry tonight, love.”

 

 

 

**“YOU SAID THAT LAST NIGHT! JUST PLEASE TELL ME WHETHER YOU DO OR DON’T! PLEASE YUURI!”**

 

 

 

He had to say it now that he saw how upset Victor was.

 

 

 

“I do love your cooking, Victor, it’s delicious but to tell you the truth: I have an almost anxious feeling when I eat food, half the time I don’t even think of it as food, I see it as a calorie intake…”

 

 

 

Victor stopped crying and pulled Yuuri in for a tight hug, showing his support and affection.

 

 

 

“I love you, so, so much. I think you’re wonderful, Yuuri.”

 

 

 

Although the said man immediately regretted his words he felt somewhat relieved of the secret he had been hiding for weeks. They both continued getting ready for bed until the lights were out, goodnights had been said and they were comfortable and beside each other they both succumbed into rest.

 

 

 

_Please don’t make me eat, Victor. I’m fine because there’s less of me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys SO much for the nice comments and wishes for me it means the entire world to me seriously 


	11. What Is Happening To Me?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri is confused on what is wrong with his brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my favourite song is featured in this fic so hueshshsh self promo but listen to my spotify please
> 
> mmmmyeahs on spotify ;))

The two lovers awoke with Yuuri gently pressing his chapped lips lethargically to Victors and the said man opening one eye lid and humming happily as he leaned into the touch.

 

 

 

 _“I love you,”_ a familiar ebony haired man mouthed to his boyfriend, not even saying _good morning_ but for a very particular reason: because he didn’t feel the need for words to show the inconceivable immense love he had for this man. After last night with Victor being upset over something so trivial  and then apprising his knowledge with the fact he was oh-so-scared to intake food like a functioning human being, Yuuri had stayed up, staring at the wall in a somewhat attempt in sleeping but couldn’t as anxiety overcame his sleep schedule and spoke in a sharp tone, telling him that what he did was wrong and he sure as hell knew it was wrong but he didn’t need it harshly being forced upon him to deal with and then try his _hardest_ not to break down crying while being spooned by his Russian boyfriend.

 

 

 

Victor hummed again, sounding more lively as he arose quickly, emphasising the fact he was awake before giving the Japanese boy a proper-kiss good morning.

 

 

 

 _“I love you more,”_ he mouthed back, kissing him again.

 

 

 

They both followed their orderly routine of kissing each other good morning, rolling out of bed at roughly the same time and Yuuri _watching_ Victor make breakfast however, this morning Victor stayed at Yuuri’s side the whole time while the other Katsuki’s ate, eventually it became boring and they went on a hunt for the beloved, curly-furred poodle who was serenely nesting in his bed located in the living room. The two lovers sat down together but kept absence of noise as neither knew what to say after Yuuri confessed to his “secret”. It got to the point where the tranquility formed into awkwardness as neither knew what to say and stared at the ground or soothingly pet Makkachin’s fur.

 

 

 

Victor eventually fractured the silence.

 

 

 

“Yuuri,” he looked into Victors eyes and at the same time the tiny arrow in his chest was twisted pleasantly giving his body the alert that there was no denying his boyfriend was adorable. “About what you told me last night, you thinking food is a calorie intake so therefore you don’t take it; I think your body is beautiful Yuuri. There are so many ways to describe it other than just ‘beautiful’ but the perfect word for it is just that one, three syllable word, that means a great deal to maybe just me. I love you more than anything in the whole world,” Makkachin barked in disapproval letting out a warm chuckle from his chest, “you too, Mak. But the thing you told me made me super concerned about how much you eat. Even before you told me I saw how little you ate and how much you exercised which isn’t healthy at all, Yuuri. It’s an eating disorder that can kill you called _anorexia._ If you eat even just a bit more than usual a day, I promise to give you copious amounts of love and affection, more than I usually do unless you say otherwise but if not I’m going to have to take you to a doctor not as humiliation or punishment, I would never do that, but I don’t want my Yuuri to get sick. Okay, baby?” He saw mild panic in the said boy’s eyes. “And I won’t tell anyone what you told me,” he reassured giving Yuuri a warm, glowing smile that made him feel slightly more reassured but other than that he felt awful; he was _going_ to gain weight if he ate any more than a few spoon’s a day and if he did he would be ugly again despite Victors “copious amounts of affection”. Now that Victor knew Yuuri’s dirty secret, his stubbornness would get in front of his rational thinking and Yuuri would be insecure and gain weight and be ugly and _fat._

_So, so fat._

He nodded in affirmation although he didn’t want to affirm whatsoever but did it for Victors sake before arising from the couch, pecking his cheek and running to the local gym.

 

 

 

If he was going to eat he needed to be skinnier so when he gained weight it wouldn’t matter a great deal.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

The dark-haired boy huffed and wheezed after the three-and-a-bit gym session in which he knew he overworked himself (after-all, when he got off the cycle machine he could barely move yet after that he stumbled over and did pullup’s and squats). After the intensity of his workout he struggled to even walk home so as he tripped through the doorway everyone was immediately rushing over to him asking where he was and he breathlessly puffed the words “gym… I’m… just t-… tired” between intakes of air and trembling. Toshiya led him to his room and helped him lay down in his bed, turning the intensity of the fan up in hopes to calm the vermillion skin covering his face and turn it back to the original olive colour it was before. Also bringing in a cold face-wash and laying it on his forehead along with iced-water and his music and earbuds.

 

 

 

Although nobody besides him and Victor entered his room, being as there was no interest in walking in, Toshiya knew for many years that when his son needed to calm down music would always somehow do the trick, the gentle rhythmic beats soothed him to the point where he went from a hyperventilating, trembling anxious clutter to where he would grow tiresome and sleep after having massive anxiety attacks. Surely it would work with a worn-out state. The grey headed father abandoned the room to leave his son in peace with his music to comfort him and he soon stopped shaking although he was still sore but he felt comfortable and somewhat happy because as he was laying on his back he could feel his bones stick out _way_ more than yesterday. His hipbones formed like mountains in his skin and the pointed bits at the ends became sharper, his ribs didn’t only peak at the ends but instead the angles of them jutted out and resembled an actual cage. He felt happy because although he always thinks having a skinny body is the foremost feature to be beautiful and he recites the same message relating to that over and over again in his head he truly, with his whole heart, mind and soul believed that.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

An hour later, Victor came rushing into his room in a flurry, a plate of various fruit’s scattered adorned it and more iced-water and another cold face-wash. He had obviously heard about Yuuri overworking himself at the gym and immediately was rushing to his aid which although interrupted his music-listening-to session (and his favourite song, The Ballad of Me and My Brain by The 1975, was playing too) but he thought it was adorable and couldn’t help but capture a colour similar to the one painting his face before as the platinum haired man stroked his scalp lovingly.

 

 

 

“How’re you doing, my little Yuuri?”

 

 

 

“Great! Just went to the gym for a bit too long,” he said before a piece of fruited brushed against his lips, mutely asking for permission to feed him and Yuuri happily obliged and opened his mouth chewing half-heartedly at the rockmelon in his mouth.

 

 

 

“Thank you, Vitya.”

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

The younger boy adorned himself in his usual tracksuit pants and underwear without a t-shirt to accompany his body but as he looked into the mirror for longer he noticed how skinny he was actually becoming and knew that if he parents saw the state his ribs were in they would do a hell of a lot more than just make him eat more food and he could _not_ have that when he was becoming so thin. So despite the Japanese-spring heat, he picked the baggiest shirt and pants in his closet that he owned and wore those instead. Although he felt uncomfortable in them and it looked similar to how his old weight was but he knew what was underneath and felt confident knowing. When he sat down for dinner he saw that the empty seat closest to the nearest window, which was his, was already been filled with what he would consider a “large” amount. Turning to Victor he had already seen the guilty look in his eyes. Yuuri wasn’t mad as such, not at all but he definitely didn’t want to eat this amount at all and tried his hardest throughout dinner to slip some under the wooden table and feed Makkachin without being caught, however he ended up eating most of it in his attempt and became irritated at the fact Victor would do that so when they went to bed and Victor was discussing how they would go to the mall Yuuri had ignored him completely and when asked why he replied with “tired”.  The older man pouted in disappointment, not disappointment towards Yuuri but to himself: he knew he shouldn’t have forced that amount of food onto Yuuri.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

“Don’t be.”

 

 

 

“I should be. I forced food upon you and I knew I shouldn’t have but I don’t want you to be sick, Yuuri. You mean so so much to me and if you ended up in hospital I don’t know what I would do!”

 

 

 

“Just… Just please don’t try that again. I will eat, just not that much that quickly. Okay?”

 

 

 

He had to think about it, he wasn’t exactly being _selfish_ as such, it was for Yuuri’s sake but the said boy didn’t want the same thing.

 

 

 

“Okay,” he said before tucking himself behind Yuuri and kissing his ear, “I love you.”

 

 

 

“I love you more, Vitya,” Yuuri said returning a similar kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for this shitty chapter and thanks for supporting me and this fic through everything happening and the wonderful comments all you beautiful, beautiful people spend the time to write 


	12. A Day At The Shops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to tell everyone that I DO NOT THINK THIS WAY ABOUT PEOPLE WITH AN EATING DISORDER AT ALL!!! I HAVE ONE MYSELF AND AM USING THE WORDS IN THIS PICTURE FROM COMMENTS ON AN INSTAGRAM PAGE TO GET THE POINT OF VIEW ACROSS!!!

**_THERE ARE SOME VERY TRIGGERING WORDS USED TO DESCRIBE PEOPLE IN YUURI’S SITUATION, WHEN THE TEXT IS IN BOLD THAT’S WHEN THE TRIGGERING WORDS AND SITUATION(S) HAPPEN, STAY SAFE ILY ALL_ ** **_!_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, the next morning both boys woke up with Yuuri receiving a peck on his chapped lips from his European boyfriend. The day was only just awakening as the sky was a reddish-yellow and pink iridescent swirl making the Japanese man groan and roll to face the opposite side in which those lustrous colours were even brighter.

 

 

 

“It’s time to get up, мой солнечный свет. I promised Christophe, Yurio, Otabek and Phichit that we would go shopping today,” Victor ploddingly kissed his hair, as his eyelids were still heavy with sleep.

 

 

 

Yuuri hearing that he would see his college-friend after the last GPF made him smile cutely and he was shot out of bed and racing to prepare for the day, awkwardly toeing his ripped skinny jeans, pulling a grey and white striped shirt over and past the messed mop of ebony hair that adorned the crown of his head. Victor had a tone of jealousy puncture his heart at how fast his boyfriend got ready because he mentioned Phichit’s name but not enough to bother the Russian man whilst brewing his espresso. As for Yuuri, after he finished getting changed, he coyly walked into the bathroom (the fear of being caught in there and then sternly talked to overtook him). Yuuri cocked his head to check for footsteps or anyone coming and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw and heard nothing before lifting his shirt slightly to expose the thinning body that belonged to him and examined it:

 

 

 

He stared at his feet, avoiding his face in fear of coming across something he hadn’t seen in ages and not liking it which would bring his to immediate tears, his feet were bony and thin and as he made his eyes up his figure which too was bony and thin. A gap accompanied where his thighs used to touch. He let his gaze rise up and let a sharp gasp escape his lips, eyes passed over his hipbones that resembled the peaks of a mountain as they evidently stuck out. The cage of the thinning Asian boy’s ribs were uneven with each rib raised above where his skin was.

 

 

 

Yet despite all of these qualities that were thought to be extremely flawed he found a romanticising beauty in his body image. Although it was wrong to romanticise something he knew was awful to have, he was happy about his body and couldn’t care what other people judged was right and wrong.

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀ ──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

When the lovers arrived at the shopping centre Christophe, Yurio, Otabek and Phichit awaited them, arms wide for a handshake or hug.

 

 

 

Christophe shaking Yuuri and Victor’s hand and kissing their cheeks.

 

 

 

Yurio hugging Yuuri and Victor before breaking away a bit too quickly.

 

 

 

Otabek emotionlessly shaking Yuuri and Victor’s hand.

 

 

 

And Phichit hugging his long-time friend from college for an extensive period of time before pulling away and smiling widely at the Japanese oriented boy. Of course, couldn’t ignore his friend’s lover, who was, by the way, glaring at the lengthy hug as he let his jealousy get the best of him again. It soon melted away as the Thai boy’s arms wrapped around his torso and he hugged back politely.

 

 

 

“Yuuri! I’ve missed you badly!” Phichit stated hugging Yuuri once again. He beamed widely, the widest he had in a long time.

 

 

 

“Okay, the reunion is over now, you can stop hugging and let’s get to it!” Chris yelled and clapped his hands dramatically making Yurio groan with tones of embarrassment that was quickly brushed over. They all agreed on which shops they would go to first and what time to go home at (“around six. I know it’s late but let’s flaunt our gayness for just that bit longer!” Chris suggested. They agreed.)

 

 

 

Walking aimlessly to the first shop and eventually spotting it, they brought tonnes of t-shirts for the upcoming summer in Japan, some yellow, some blue, colours littered throughout numerous plastic bags. Yuuri thought it was stupid for them _all_ to buy shirts for summer as Chris, Yurio and Otabek would return to places with winter weather hitting them in the upcoming months. But whatever he didn’t have the energy to argue.

 

 

 

Or the energy for anything, really.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

Both Yuuri and Victor walked around hand in hand, same with Otabek and Yurio, who was blushing profusely, Chris aw-ed in an attempt to embarrass both couples with it working and Phichit took photos, posting them on various social media apps with corny captions about how “beautiful love” was. The group of men had explored all shops they planned including ones they had seen on the way that caught their eyes, more and more bags accompanied their arms and hands as they heaved them along tiredly but it was still only four o’clock, another two hours ‘til they separated. To bide time, they set on something to eat at the shopping centre, all boys discussed the foods they would devour including churros after and dinner later on back at Yuuri’s house and the entire time all he could do was have anxiety pool in his stomach and chest at the mere thought of indulging anything that would make him heavier, feeling as though the world would implode if he was fat again. Food was devoured by everyone except him, chugging down low-alcohol drinks, fizzy soda’s which made them noisily belch and plain water. Chris was so full that the tight jeans he wore had to be undone and he wasn’t ashamed (or maybe the Swiss man had other reasons for his pants to be down).

 

 

 

**_“Look at him, he’s so ugly!”_ ** **Yuuri looked up from him fidgeting with his trousers to see three men gesturing at him, voices at a hush but loud enough for him to hear. Once their eyes met he expected them to at the least turn away or for it to be directed to someone behind him, he turned around and was greeted by a grey-tiled wall. A pain was caught in his chest at the four-lettered word.**

**But their vocal abuse would not rest there.**

**_“He looks so pale and the circles under his eyes make him look like a racoon!”_ ** **whispered the man with long, dark hair.**

**Yuuri began to feel tears well in his eyes and his heart rate increased at every snicker and word that fell past the stranger’s lips.**

**“Yuuri, are you okay?” a familiar silver-blonde man lay a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, making everyone at the table look in worry at him trembling with every short intake of breath.**

**“ _You look disgusting!!!”_ one of them yelled across the restaurant, giving the final toll on Yuuri’s emotions. He ran out of there as fast as his long scrawny legs could carry him, leaving $50 next to Victor. **

**You see, if he stayed for too much longer, Voice would have come right at that moment and luckily he left as of now because its dark scratched figure whispered the repetitive words in his ears. Heat invaded his head, chest and stomach, pooling as the temperature became at the unbearable point of anxiety mixed with him running back home. Thankfully home wasn’t that far away and he was in the bathroom, but that wasn’t a good thing:**

**There were more demons hiding at home.**

**The ebony haired man let out a half-scream-half-sob, reaching into the drawers of his bathroom which held his “comfort items”. The comfort items being numerous rusted, old, worn away razors.**

**When he first held the blade in his palm again, an overwhelming sting of guilt hit him full on, but with Voice and his other recently discovered brutes repeating the words from the three strangers at the bar over and over, he pressed a swift cut to his scarred stomach. Blood poured and oozed from where the thin razor had ventured and he craved the feeling of the voices slowly decreasing as more much deeper cuts were made. After every cut he felt at just the slightest bit more of ease, craving so much more but with some sanity he stopped and sighed almost happily as there were no more words.**

**Or at least he thought.**

**Once those cuts were made they all came from the back of his mind to acquaint him again.**

**_“FUCK! They were right! I was almost two months clean from this again and I fucked up. I always fuck up! I’m pathetically lying on the bathroom tiles having a panic attack and openly sobbing while letting myself listen to a made-up voice compiled of my loneliness and anxiety! I don’t want to be here anymore to experience this. I wish I was dead so I can’t go through this anymore. Please kill me. Please kill me. Please. Please. Please. Please!”_ ** **the Japanese man cursed aloud in English while banging his head again the hard wall of his bathroom, hoping that he would die even though at the back of his mind he knew he wouldn’t yet still tried his hardest anyways. Head crashing against white tiles until he stopped and bashed his head as hard as he could.**

**The world went black.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NFGSJEPFNQDWD SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING AS PROMISED,,
> 
> I'VE BEEN VOMITING FOR TWO DAYS AND STOMACH CRAMPS AND MY BODY HATES ME AT THE MOMENT BUT HERE'S THE CHAPTER AFTER 3 WEEKS (i'msosorry)
> 
> i've also been procrastinating on twitter and instagram looking at all the good vampire!victor nsfw's hAAA
> 
> (also happy spoopy month)


	13. The Empty Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after what those men said it was hard to get out of bed, no will to face the day if there were no more good things to happen which is when he heads out to the local bar and boy is victor pissed,,
> 
>  
> 
> (ft an insight on victor's post-depression and beloved russian-boyfriend/coach-mother-bonding-time-in-the-kitchen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: i told my friends about this account and regret it deeply so i'm changing my username from "softpureboy" to "softpureprince" (my tumblr user)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: explicit descriptions of self harm, mental illness, hurtful words towards people in yuuri's situation and the stress on victor's behalf. if this affects you in anyway have some ice-cream, draw something lovely, listen to your favourite song, google your favourite colour and look at its aesthetics, reach out to a loved one c:
> 
> i just want to inform everyone that yes there WILL be a smut chapter further on in the story and i will warn everyone of it and they can skip it but eventually it will come just not right now as yuuri isn't in the right state of mind to be riding victor's dick into the sunset. 
> 
> i do not agree or think the same opinions as the characters in the book and am only writing them so it fits in with the story.

It had been days since Yuuri’s last episode.

 

 

 

It didn’t mean he was better as such though, as a matter of fact he was probably in the worst state of mind he had been in this journey.

 

 

 

After what those men said to him he dare not leave his room, almost as if his sadness and anxiety were sitting on his chest and stomach, forcing him to stare aimlessly at the wall in a hope to force them off and explain as to why he had not emerged from the depths of his room for the past almost-week. But he had no courage nor did he strength. He tried to sob but had no tears to fall past the brim of his eyes yet he felt an overwhelming sadness present in his room; a mind-numbing pain engulfing whatever good thoughts could come to mind in that moment, almost like a void, and after a few days The Void became unbearable.

 

 

 

The Asian man half-heartedly reached to his bedside table for his phone, desperate to find a way to fill this Void. Typing up his question into Google, he found a few hotlines and websites he could reach out to for help but skipped those completely (his theory being that if he can’t even get out of bed and speak to his mother, father, sister and boyfriend about his problems then how in the hell was he supposed to speak to a stranger about them?!). Other methods were various pills and drugs he could take but needed a prescription for plus he couldn’t let _anyone_ find pills in his room, Phichit especially would overreact and make a fool of himself.

 

 

 

However, there was _one_ thing Yuuri knew he could sneak and get away with, not in his own home but it would apparently help and possibly even drown away whatever appetite was left inside the boys scrawny body.

 

 

 

Now although Victor and whoever witnessed the beautiful GPF Banquet would oppose this opinion, Yuuri was never one to be labelled “alcoholic” despite the sixteen flutes of champagne downed quickly. And Yuuri had seen a self-help mechanism online using copious amounts of alcohol, supposedly that were meant to “drown out the thoughts” and he thought that would work perfectly. So through the window of his bedroom he climbed, already drenched in rain as he entered the nurture of his quiet, purring car.

 

 

 

  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

Meanwhile, the foreign man staying with them was gently tearing up as he diced and peeled red onions, the smell of the juice becoming overwhelming as when he was in Saint Petersburg he usually got take away delivered to his doorstep as some nights it was too hard for him to get away from the comfort of his house, the beloved Makkachin would try and make him walk with her but he refused and sometimes (rarely) would snap at the pooch, screaming at her leaving the puppy a shaking, whimpering mess in one of the lonely corners of his home.

 

 

 

Everywhere at home was lonely, even despite its welcoming neighbours, numerous people and loving locals or sight see-ers. Every skating event he went to would have painted on expressions, ones that were desperate to show the public that he was okay when deep down he wasn’t. Every press conference he had a routine of falsifying happiness even though he knew he should be happy; _“you won a gold medal! You should be happy dammit!”_ his mind would scream relentlessly of these few words as an attempt to make himself believe that he _should_ be happy and that he was what the headlines told him to be.

 

 

 

 **“ _Victor Nikiforov, Living Legend and National Icon!”_** is what the news would tell him he was but not a single medal didn’t make him feel victorious whatsoever; every one that hung past his collar, draping over his chest and leaning heavily on his heart weighed him down to the point where it was so heavy that some days he couldn’t leave the safe space of his living area despite him loathing its loneliness and desperately wanting to call anyone who was nearby and could have a coffee with him. He wanted so desperately to reach out to someone and tell them three words which could change his life for the greater.

 

 

 

_I’m not okay._

 

 

 

But he didn’t have to.

 

 

 

About a year ago, another weight was added to his collection and the sadness was at its most overwhelming and was becoming too much to continue with his everyday life. It was the night the weight was added and he sat alone trying his hardest to get this night over and done with and pray to God for him to not wake up and deal with tomorrow.

 

 

 

_He wanted this night to finish._

 

 

 

That was until a charming coal headed man danced his way into the hole of Victor’s icy, numbed heart, taking his breath away with the confidence and flirtatious qualities of the exquisitely drunken man. The older man stumbled over everyone desperately asking who the drunken boy was, interacting for the first time all night. They all replied with Katsuki Yuuri and immediately his name was locked in Victors heart forevermore. Yuuri slurred his words beautifully, asking him to dance before he stripped confidently and then dry humped his leg before looking up, wide-eyed, nose pushed back and scrunched up, hair a mess and the biggest smile painted on his face, saying _“be my coaaaach, Vitya~!”_.

 

 

 

_He needed tonight to last forever._

 

 

 

He was snapped out of the daydream by Hiroko snapping her fingers at him, the short mother then asked, “do you love my Yuuri, Vicchan?”

 

 

 

He smiled, “more than anything, Mama.” She was confused on why he called her Mama but didn’t mind one bit whatsoever.

 

 

 

“That’s good. I know that was random but he hasn’t been eating a lot and works out eight hours or more and pushes himself beyond his limit and thought-“ she swallowed and tears hinted the brim of her eyes, “maybe he didn’t feel loved. A-and I can see that you love him, dearly, but maybe since he loves you back nearly ten times the amount of you loving him, he’s told you why he’s been distant?” the tears threatened to spill as she peeled potatoes at an alarmingly stressful rate. Victor dropped the onion he was still cutting and hugged the grey-red haired woman to his chest, letting her sobs be muffled by his t-shirt.

 

 

 

“Do you want me to find him and help cook later?”

 

 

 

She nodded and sniffled in reply and with that he was off to his room, seething with rage as Yuuri wasn’t out there. Eyes darted across the room before spotting the open window with rain half-flooding the area of where it was and so with the small clue he gathered, he was driving to the bar Yuuri was in in a flurry of rage.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

It didn’t take long to find the ebony headed man as his phone gave away the location of whichever contact he selected, seeing him red-faced and giggling and hiccupping, taking large swigs of gin and vodka before gently laying his dizzy-looking head on the wooden counter of the bar. Victor approached him and lay a reassuring hand on his back though he was pissed off as to his boyfriend sneaking out after not emerging from his room for days with no explanation whatsoever. He looked up, glum yet happy at the same time: it had to have been the alcohol.

 

 

 

“Victorrrrrrrrrr~! I missed you, leaving me _alllllllll_ alone at a bar was mean. You’re,” he hiccuped, “mean!”

 

 

 

Victor grabbed his wrist and led the drunken man out of the bar without a word, sitting him in the passenger side of the car he was using.

 

 

 

“But Victorrrrrrrrrr, what about _my_ car?!”

 

 

 

“We’ll get it when you’re sober enough to drive but right now I am not happy, Katsuki. Not happy, at all. And you’ve had way too much drinks, hence why I am not speaking to you until you’re sober.”

 

 

 

Yuuri stuck his tongue out and hiccupped before muttering Japanese slurs Victor couldn’t translate before he passed out in the car.

 

 

 

_I’m pissed off but I’ll carry you to your room because I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 7K hits aaaaaa!
> 
> i'm trying my very hardest to update on time even through school work and family issues and yet everyone is still super supportive so thank you all v much (´ ∀ ` *)
> 
> also sorry for not updating it would've been published a few days ago but i'm trying to get a bit more sleep and my friend accidentally took my laptop ;v;
> 
> this chapter was very much inspired by the wonderful "porkcutletbowltrash"'s story "He Didn't Fix Me, He Gave Me Strength" because i enjoyed their one-shot so much and became inspired to use alcohol as self medication for people in yuuri's dilemma so plEASE CHECK THEIR FIC OUT!!! (technically they didn't co-write it but i wanna credit their fic for giving me the idea :v)
> 
> also please bear in mind if i don't update sometimes as that's me taking time to myself/ school work ♡


	14. Drunk Love Metaphors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re sexy.” The drunken man interrupted. Victor looked down, feeling all the blood in his body flush his face, ears and chest. Maybe it was his words, maybe him in general or could it possibly be the sight of him half-hard and touching himself through his track suit pants while pre-cum formed a wet patch. And he too looked as sexy as they came: scarlet dusting his face from the liquor and self-indulgence, a cheeky grin adorning his scrunched up nose and eyes and to top all that off his voice was deep and throaty as he let out soft moans and pleasured sighs. Victor bent down to his level and pressed a sloppy kiss to the shorter man’s lips, their tongues fighting over dominance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
>  
> 
> the long awaited smut chapter has finally cum! (heh) wasn't really sure when i'd write this or how long it'd take but it only took two days instead of my first one which took 2 months to write so please send virtual pats on the back. anyways with updating and stuff if i don't update it's time with friends and family and therapy,,
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: graphic descriptions of sex and intimacy, depression and anxiety, eating disorders, body image and cutting. if this makes you feel bad read a favourite book! already read the-best-of-the-best? re-read it!
> 
>  
> 
> and in conclusion of my first note: farewell and enjoy (ﾉ･_-)

**the most of this chapter is smut but the ending is crucial to the plot so scroll past everything until you see something like this " _ ** ~~***~~**_ "**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two lovers arrived back at the onsen, a familiar black mop of hair dressed messily in long knitted clothing was being carried bridal style ( _spoiled,_ Victor thought) down the hallway into his room. Hiroko seething with anger at her son for sneaking out before getting drunk at God-knows-where but thankfully not showing her emotions to the azure eyed man clutching him. They both made eye contact and shot each other the “I’m-disappointed-in-him-but-can’t-show-it-because-he’s-asleep-and-I-love-him” look. The said Japanese began to giggle drunkenly which made the grip on Victor slip, making him walk faster into the crème carpet of his room and kick the door closed with vexation. The Russian set Yuuri on the edge of his bed, he flopped intoxicatedly onto the bed in a string of giggles and hiccups. Victor didn’t really find _anything_ funny, to be honest he was pissed off and prepping himself to lecture Yuuri on his mannerisms and attitude.

 

 

 

“Yuuri. Katsuki,” he spoke through gritted teeth as he set himself beside the man laying down sniggering softly. “I am at the peak of absolute, honest rage. You snuck and _then_ got on the piss and drowned yourself in liquor. Do you know how worried Mama Katsuki and I were? What do you have to say for yourse— “

 

 

 

“You’re sexy.” The drunken man interrupted. Victor looked down, feeling all the blood in his body flush his face, ears and chest. Maybe it was his words, maybe him in general or could it possibly be the sight of him half-hard and touching himself through his track suit pants while pre-cum formed a wet patch. And he too looked as sexy as they came: scarlet dusting his face from the liquor and self-indulgence, a cheeky grin adorning his scrunched up nose and eyes and to top all that off his voice was deep and throaty as he let out soft moans and pleasured sighs. Victor bent down to his level and pressed a sloppy kiss to the shorter man’s lips, their tongues fighting over dominance.

 

 

 

Victor had always had past lovers who he could have sex with but they never stayed to cuddle, never had a relationship or anything to do with each other beforehand and were usually only in it for the intimate side of things. However, his beloved Yuuri has made him feel magical, absolute bliss, even if this was their first time together he expected Yuuri to be like a fallen Sex God.

 

 

 

The man beneath him pulled away chuckling as Victor let out a whimper, “I thought you were just ‘lecturing me’?”

 

 

 

“Mm, but you’re so _hot_! Plus, I don’t hold grudges, Katsuki.” And Victor plunged his tongue back into the younger boy’s drool-covered mouth, too drunk to even push him off again so he let whatever came his way in the heat of the moment happen. The muscle explored his mouth while Yuuri began to fuck his cupped hand, letting loud moans roll past his tongue into Victors mouth. This time, victor pulled away as he heard his lovers breathing increase and moans become higher, hinting that he was close to spilling hot sticky seed all over his digits, which were soon replaced with Victors hand squeezing the fully hardened length to stop him from doing so, making an unsatisfied groan erupt from his lips.

 

 

 

He couldn’t really feel much, as he was at his peak performance of being overwhelmingly drunk but he did know one thing and that was that he needed to cum desperately.

 

 

 

“Vi-Vitya! I was s-so close…”

 

 

 

“I know baby, I know,” he cooed, “but I have a toy in my bag that I’d _kill_ to see you writhing under. I mean, I have variations that I use like dildos, vibrators, butt plugs etcetera.” Yuuri blushed, moaned, giggled and hiccupped at the imaginary Victor shoving dildos, vibrators, butt plugs etcetera in his ass.

 

 

 

“Can you be a good boy and _crawl_ to my bag? You can get any toy that you like, ангел.” Your nodded and (almost) fell off their bed drunkenly, pants and underwear around his knees, sweater wrinkled and stomach with precum dripping off it. He chuckled lowly in his throat at how someone so graceful on the ice was trying in all his might not to fall on his side as his not-so-sober steadiness overtook him.

 

 

 

Although Yuuri looked incredibly and undeniably sexy in this position as he crawled across the room on his hands and knees, Victor felt himself become concerned with how thin he was, with the large thigh gap adorning his legs and hipbones profusely sticking out, he would have talked to Yuuri about his body but was interrupted by a head of messy jet-black hair laying on his lap and handing him a large vibrator for Yuuri’s throbbing member and lube, which immediately sent a pulse of pleasure straight to his dick.

 

 

 

“Sit on the bed, my love,” Yuuri obliged and clumsily lay on his back with a pert smile complimenting his face as he awaited for something to happen next like an instruction from Victor.

 

 

 

But the instruction didn’t come,

 

 

 

And instead his foreign lover was gently pulling off his pants and shirt with so, _so_ much care while his free hand was even more intimate and stroking him generously and with lots of force, making him writhe and gasp and moan. Victor was surprised that no one had knocked yet!

 

 

 

Their mouths and tongues entangled with sloppy drunk kisses and both cocks were hard and needy as Yuuri’s breathing pace quickened before stuttering.

 

 

 

“I’m—I—I’m c-cumming!” but his release was stopped with another firm grip from the clothed man beside him, face flushed, dripping in sweat and smirking as the smaller boyfriend began to spill groans and sobs past his lips. “Victoooor! Please let me c-cum… please! I-I’ll be a good boy and let you use me however you want, a-and—and I can do it lots of times. Please, please, please, **please** let me cum, Vitya.”

 

 

 

He arched his back as pleasure flowed through him again making his member unbearably hard and needing, if Yuuri was sober enough to stand he would have fucked him right then and there.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, Yuura. But like I said before; ‘I have that toy I’d _kill_ to see you writhing under.’ And your begging is adorable! So, if you wait just a bit longer, I’ll let you cum however many times you want, okay.” Yuuri nodded violently with greed as his European lover began biting and sucking his chest, painting his olive skin in intermediate colours between shades of purples, pinks and reds. If Yuuri let him, he would show the whole universe in all its girth including whatever extra-terrestrial life there was who Yuuri belonged to.

 

 

 

_Belonged to._

 

 

 

He could let those two words roll of his tongue and drown in them. And Yuuri was no object or toy to be used for some intimate sexual fantasy but it was heart wrenching to think that someone _belonged_ to Victor, that they trusted him enough to do this and yes, numerous people have slept with him and had one-night stands but they were only in it to get off with another human. Yuuri trusted him enough to do this (even though he was drowned in liquor and would only remember this in snippets) and was going to stay.

 

 

 

He was dazed out of his thoughts by the said Asian man screaming and moaning sultrily as the foreign lover on top of him sucked on the tighter part of his collar bones, leaving a harsh blotch of purpley-red amongst the other garden of bites and hickies.

 

 

 

 _‘I’ll keep that spot in mind._ ’ He smirked to himself.

 

 

 

“Now, let’s get to the fun stuff,” he removed his mouth from Yuuri’s skin and stared in awe at the state he was in: sweating, drooling, face flushed, figure decorated in purples and pinks and dick hard and leaking because of Victor (and his own helping hand).

 

 

 

  _Absolutely wrecked._

 

 

 

Victor applied a generous amount of wet caramel lube to the boy-beneath-him’s cock and immediately, Yuuri’s heavy lust filled head craned to get a closer look on what the cold liquid stuff was.

 

 

 

“Victo— _OH! F-FUCK!”_ he didn’t even get a chance to finish before Victor was taking his girth into his mouth and hollowing his cheeks, sucking and bobbing his head in rapid session and taking advantage of his lack of gag reflex. Yuuri writhed and arched his back into the air, his breathing hitched as the man sucking him off rolled and pinched a nipple between his long fingers. He used his spare hand to jerk himself off while pleasuring Yuuri at the same time.

 

 

 

“Good boy,” he said, sending vibrations down Yuuri’s girth so along with that and the praise it sent Yuuri over the edge as he came with a cry, spilling white seed in Victors mouth and riding out his orgasm in his boyfriends’ throat. The sight became too much for Victor and he too came mere seconds after Yuuri, swallowing every last drop with gluttony while he rode out the orgasm. The room was accompanied with shallow excessive breathing and satisfied sighs. Yuuri lay flopped on the bed, drunk and slightly overstimulated, he was seeing swirls and stars and the room moved slightly but he was filled with stamina.

 

 

 

“Vitya, can we go another round? _Please?_ You promised we could use whatever toy I picked out,” Yuuri pouted and straddled Victors thighs with the toy in hand. The Russian gave a cheeky smirk and took the toy into his own hands before gently pushing Yuuri onto his back, adjusting his positioning so that Yuuri was laying on top of his stomach and his arms snaked around the boys’ thin waist.

 

 

 

Then the magic happened.

 

 

 

At its first speed, Victor brushed it over his balls ever so delicately and gagging Yuuri with two digits in his mouth. He bit down and drooled from gratification.

 

 

 

“You’re so well-behaved, taking this like such a good boy and in such an adorable way too. I love you so much, my darling.” He moved up and down against the throbbing girth pressed against Yuuris’ stomach with the fun-sized vibrator and goosebumps danced along his thighs and began to spread with every chaste kiss pressed against his flesh. Victor guided Yuuri’s hand that wasn’t gripping the sheets to his own dense member which automatically stroked him at the perfect pace.

 

 

 

“I luh ‘ou V-Vitya~” he slurred out through the intensity of the vibrator at its highest setting as a reward for Victor’s beautiful coffee eyed boyfriend.

 

 

 

“oh—OH! _I LOVE YOU VICTOR! I LO-- I’M C-CUMMING! AHH,”_ and with one final stroke with the toy he released sticky white fluid all over it as tears stung his marvelous dilated eyes, Victor pressing slightly harder to drain whatever was left inside of him and so incredibly turned on that he too came from the sight alone with his head thrown back.

 

 

 

In the room now was soft weeping, repeated whispers of _“I love you”_ and the gentle whirring of the thing that caused such a powerful orgasm.

 

 

_**~~ ***  _ ** ~~***~~**_ _ ** ~~** _ ** ~~*** _ ** ~~*** _ ** ~~*** _ ** ~~*** _ ** ~~***~~**_~~**_~~**_~~**_~~**_~~**_ ~~ ** _

Once he was steadied enough to move he wet a washcloth and cleaned the toy and whatever was soaked in fluid, throwing the towel aside and kissing his still-whimpering lover in an attempt to calm him down but nothing he did seemed to have worked as he only let more wretched sobs escape from within his chest.

 

 

 

“Yuuri, baby, it’s all over now. You had such a powerful climax, huh? But you did so well for me, such a good boy.”

 

 

 

He kept sobbing and shaking.

 

 

 

Confused, Victor furrowed his brow and held him close to his chest, somewhat muffling his cries and sorry’s.

 

 

 

“D-did I hurt you? I won’t be mad if you didn’t like it and I can get you to the nearest place for help.”

 

 

 

“Victorrrrrr,” he wailed, “I did a bad thing and y-you didn’t kno-know.”

 

 

 

“My handsome prince, I’m not mad at you for sneaking out anymore. I mean, I was but you’re only human.”

 

 

 

“No. non, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s not that. I hurt myself and do bad things to myself.” Victors brow tightened in perplexion. Yuuri pointed to his stomach and thighs, showing his boyfriend the scars and recent incisions painted across his paler-parts. Garnet outlined with heather littered almost every olive-originated pigmentation. Few straight notches were faded or white-ish and that made Victor feel overcome with numerous emotions: fear for Yuuri’s mental wellbeing, resentment at why he would be so selfish and do this to himself and guilt as to why Victor couldn’t help him and see the signs he was giving with isolation and severe weight loss. He didn’t know how to help. It felt like something darker was in the room and it was engulfing them both. Victor simply got up and walked out the door with not even a hush despite their love-making.

 

 

 

And it was in that moment when Yuuri felt Voice loom over him, a grip to his throat asphyxiating his regular breathing pattern as he struggled to stop crying and shaking. It began spitting nonsense at him.

 

 

 

“You fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up.”

 

 

 

_I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up._

“He’s leaving because you grossed him out. It’s your fault as to why this is happening because you’re pathetic.”

 

 

 

_He’s leaving because I grossed him out. It’s my fault as to why this is happening because I’m pathetic._

“He saw how bloated you were. For the past few days you’ve lay in bed like the lard-ass you are and he’s going to find someone better. **He’s finding someone better.** ”

 

 

 

_He saw how bloated I was. For the past few days I’ve lay in bed like the lard-ass I am and he’s going to find someone better. **He’s finding someone better.**_

****

****

****

“You’re not his world anymore.”

 

 

 

_But he’ll always be mine._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello chapter skippers! here's a summary: vicky and yuura have the beloved fun-sexy times together and yuuri is wasted still throughout the whole thing and he gets emotional and victor is worried about his body THEN why yuuri broke down crying after such a good time and he shows victor his cuts and scars and victor leaves sending yuuri into a panic attack accompanied by Voice. sorry (ΘεΘ;)


	15. I Want the World To Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri and victor go to the beach and they have sex and talk about yuuri's body and self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for going on an un-notified hiatus! it's end of term for me and i have hella assignments which i didn't focus on bc i was writing so i spent lots of time on those and got an A-, i also fell ill, i had minor surgery so i haven't been able to do much OH and i also just got interviewed by the police for "unhappy personal sad stuff" so i've been mentally ill as well
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: explicit descriptions of sexual intimacy, self-injury, eating disorders and mental illness. if this makes you feel uncomfortable or a certain way make yourself some tea with honey in it, listen to calming aesthetic songs (conan gray is a really good artist), paint or sketch some really pretty plants. these are my coping mechanisms so it isn't guaranteed to work for you but have a go friendo
> 
>  
> 
> have fun reading my sex trash :)

_**i'll do the same symbol as last time ( ~~****)~~ to warn people when there's smut and they can skip until the next symbol** _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_‘I don’t know how much I’ve cried,’_ a thin, cut up jet-black haired man thought as he changed his damp pillow (which for the past few mornings greeted his awakening to many strands of short ebony locks) into something fresh which made him feel less of a slob and more as though he could arise from where his demons taunted him and do something productive after numerous unrecorded hours that overlapped into days and were about to transform into weeks at the state of numbness which hushed him and forced him to burry himself deeper into the sheets when his mother or father or sister entered his room, people who shared an undying love and care for him that he continued to push away because of the other passed hours that Victor looked at him in a distasteful manner and walked away.

 

  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                                                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

Victor—however – wasn’t distasted in what his boyfriend told him, the reaction was prompted from shock.

 

 

 

How was he supposed to react? He wasn’t sure if hugging Yuuri was okay because if he hugged him the coffee-eyed boy would break right in front of him as he tried to hold him together in a desperate attempt to make _his_ Yuuri heal.

 

 

 

When Toshiya and Hiroko asked in a flurry of similar nervousness as to the wellbeing of their beloved son, Victor smiled like he did at interviews and conventions—fake—and told them with a forced laugh he had an awful hangover and was slowly recovering from the amount of alcohol he ingested on that particular Thursday evening.

 

 

 

Although the azure-eyed man was engulfed in his own thoughts that slowly overtook him, he still wanted to barge into his lovers room and see his face that would be covered in the lights that seeped through his _“useless”_ crème-red curtains as he watched the day descend into night and the shadows would contour his perfect nose and perfect jaw and perfect cheekbones and perfect neck and perfect _everything_ , he would turn and a perfect shade of blush would dust his body from the beginning of his bare chest to the end of his rounded ears as his eyes adjusted to Victor quickening his pace to get to Yuuri. He would wrap his arms around Yuuri and tell him he’s so sorry for walking away and be in the presence of each other and have the simple yet fulfilling feeling of being near.

 

 

 

_‘Actually,’_ he thought, _‘I want to see my Yuuri. Even just for a bit.’_ And despite his forgetful mind, he would never forget the way his boyfriend looked in that lighting.

 

 

 

Walking down the hall, he caught a glimpse of what Yuuri feels on an everyday basis as his stomach knotted and mind kept drowning in thought to the worst possible thing he would find in Yuuri’s room. He was careful and gentle with every footstep to not startle his beloved and even more so when he gave two taps to the wooden divider, waiting for a signal to enter until he felt his heart rate pick up when no sounds were heard. He was about to knock for a second time but only got halfway through one knock as the hinge opened to show a shorter, glossy eyed man in blue framed glasses peak up at him.

 

 

 

“Can I come in Yu- “he was cut off with the shorter man clutching onto his clothes as he mustered stifled cries into his neck, obviously showing the compressed anxiety that was relieved as he sobbed it out.

 

 

 

“Shhh,” that made him cry just as much and Victor held on tighter and pulled him onto the sheet-less bed, making him stumble slightly as he shook until Yuuri lay on top of him which they didn’t mind one bit. Eventually after a moment their sobs hushed enough for Victor to apologise. Yuuri, however, tried to tell him that it was fine but only resulted in more shed tears making the Russian sigh.

 

 

 

Suddenly he had a brilliant idea!

 

 

 

“Yuuri, sweetheart,” he looked up through a knotted ebony brow into Victor’s cyan eyes, sending an arrow penetrating it, “what’s your favourite place to go here? We can drive there and it might make you feel a bit better and it’s _completely_ okay if you just want to stay here and cuddle.”

 

 

 

“I-I like the beach. The isolated one where only you and I know of…”

 

 

 

“パーフェクト! Let’s go!” Yuuri mustered a giggle at Victor’s pronunciation but walked behind his lover, getting strange looks from his family as the foreign man stopped to get towels, togs, water bottles, snacks and a few fun-random essentials and stuffing them into a bag and then explaining with a famous heart-mouthed smile that they might spend a night at the beach because _“Yuuri wants to get out and he has recovered from his hangover!”_ Every Katsuki looked at the said man for confirmation and he weakly smiled and nodded before gesturing to his stomach as to why he wasn’t speaking, which was partially true since the amount of anxiety he had was making him sick and the lack of drinks and especially food. They nodded in approval and hugged both boy’s goodbye and pretty soon they were both driving – slightly over the speed limit – to the nearest beach with beloved old Makkachin. Despite Victor’s need to concentrate on the road, his usually-introverted-boyfriend refused to separate and insisted on clutching the jumper the foreign lover was previously wearing _(“because it smells like you,)_ or leaning uncomfortably past the arm rest separating them so his head rest gently against his shoulder.

 

 

 

But Victor didn’t mind it one bit.

 

 

 

It was a lot better than seeing his partner red-eyed and damp with tears.

 

 

 

They arrived at set up a dark black-ish blue tent, arranged rocks in a circle for a small fire when the temperature dropped later on in the evening and a bed inside the tent for Makkachin to sleep on. It was organised very specifically too like on a home renovation show which put Yuuri at ease for the state everything was in.

 

 

 

Both men changed into board shorts (although the Japanese boys fell past his waist and required Victor to tie a tight knot into the front) and floated in the calm, deserted water and letting the salty liquid wash away any thoughts that stood abrupt on the strands of hair slicked down on their heads. They sighed in unison, which was the only nearby sound to be heard, while their hands linked under the water.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, my Yuuri,” the said man craned his neck to see the person he linked hands with, “I’m sorry for walking away when you tried to tell me you hurt yourself. I’m so sorry.”

 

 

 

“It’s oka- “

 

 

 

“No Yuuri. It’s not ‘okay’. I can see you’ve been hurting, maybe not in that way but I could see every hint you didn’t even know you were giving off: spending seven or eight hours at the gym, not eating anything for days on end, going from what looked to be eighty kilograms to fourty-five in a short notice, avoiding talking to anyone so long as it meant you were alone which usually wasn’t good as it provided you _were_ alone and I could see that being alone affected you because you weren’t alone but you felt as though it was you against the world. Despite every minor detail I saw I was still oblivious to everything you conveyed and now you’re cutting and you’re so thin.” He was crying now.

 

 

 

“Victor,” he squeezed his hand firmly in his own, “I’m okay.”

 

 

 

“That’s bullshit. Why can you just eat?”

 

 

 

Damn.

 

 

 

Those words hurt.

 

 

 

Yuuri knew at some point he would encounter those words through his journey but not from _Victor._ They felt so twisted and controlling, a prison of black and white. It felt like he was calling him out on doing this for vanity when it had so many reasons he couldn’t put in sound or led.

 

 

 

“Because I can’t _‘just eat’,_ Victor. It’s not that simple.”

 

 

 

The said man smirked and brought Yuuri’s knuckle to his mouth and pressed butterfly-like kisses alone the digits while they still lay afloat in the shallow part of the secluded beach.

 

 

 

“This is so stupid and cliché. I love you, Katsuki.”

 

 

 

“I love you more.” He endured every invisible kiss there was to offer as the sun dawned and set a pink and yellow scene wash over Hasetsu, only pausing briefly to pick his lover up out of the ocean, his long legs wrapped around Victors waist and hands entangling themselves in his silver locks and their two mouths pressed firmly against each other until their tongues explored one another’s mouth, teeth occasionally brushing against each other making Yuuri giggle.

 

 

 

_**~~ **** ~~ ** _

 

 

 

 

 

Then Victor felt Yuuri’s cock press against him.

 

 

 

“You’re hard.”

 

 

 

“I’m hard.”

 

 

 

“Did you miss me that much?”

 

 

 

“Mm. Missed you so much.”

 

 

 

Victor checked around for their poodle to avert his eyes and said a silent prayer that he was sleeping in the tent and he wasn’t there to witness his “dad’s” fuck on the sand. Victor set the smaller boy down beneath him as he hovered and sucked wine-coloured splotches into Yuuri’s skin on foreign parts and repainted faded ones from the other days messing around, including the piece of skin in the groove of his neck and he moaned and clawed at his lovers back as Victor ran his tongue over it before diving back into sucking a relative spot close to it and feeling his own member twitch with the happy sounds Yuuri made.

 

 

 

And then he stopped and made Yuuri whine.

 

 

 

“ _Victor!_ Please don’t stop…”

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, baby, but we need to talk before we get started because the other day we dived into it and when you started crying I was scared that I did something wrong or that I hurt you. It’ll be really quick, I promise.”

 

 

 

Yuuri teared up and grinned at how caring his boyfriend was, “okay.”

 

 

 

“The foremost question is what are your boundaries?”

 

 

 

“W-well I don’t like… uh… being degraded… or hurt. I don’t like being called slut or bitch or other names. I don’t like being hit either or ‘used’ because I just… yeah. S-sorry.”

 

 

 

“Don’t be sorry, sweetheart! I’m here to make you feel good whether it be intimate or not, and if you aren’t into that kind of intimacy that’s no problem to me whatsoever,” his voice was silky smooth and thick with Russian, European honey. “Now, let’s get on with the fun stuff; what do you _need_. Are there any fantasies you have about us? What does my Yuuri want?”

 

 

 

Yuuri spent no time in hesitating and straddled his lovers hip, grinding his length onto Victor and feeling him harden. “Well, I like being praised and being told I’m pretty and that I’m a good boy. I really, _really_ like being praised.” The sand beneath them was invading their comfort but Yuuri kept pleasuring both of them with the pretty movement of his skinny hips. And when I was younger, I obtained a pillow with you modelling on the cover and your shirt was lifted up slightly and I couldn’t resist myself so I… mmm…” he moaned as Victor grabbed his ass in encouragement to continue, “I would be on top of you and I would grind against you with my fingers up my ass pretending I was riding your cock.” The European man spoke in native tongue, half of it either too fast for Yuuri to comprehend or he didn’t understand what the full sentences meant, but he did get the gist of the desperation in his voice to stick two fingers in Victors mouth until they were coated thick in saliva with generous sucks delivered to them and _finally_ the boy above Victor prepped himself with merciless stretching of his asshole until he was ‘lubed’ and ready to ride him.

 

 

 

He took his time, savouring the moment of Victor’s pretty face in front of the surf-tormented shore, sky dusted an orange and pink colour as day faded and his hair slicked back with sweat from gratification and the Japanese spring weather.

 

 

 

“Yuuri, ple— _OH!”_

 

 

 

In one go, the raven-haired man sat down on all of Victors length and squeezed around his dick, making happy sounds emerge from the back of his throat and were audibly heard from every nook and cranny of the secluded beach. It started with slow, tender movements of his ass and hips combined with pleasured moans and sighs as well as the water rolling onto shore which soon escalated quickly into more rapid movements as he moved up and down the base of his cock, taking advantage of his stamina.

 

 

 

“You look so pretty on my cock like that, baby boy. So very pretty.” He groaned and wrapped a hand around the base of his own member to stop himself climaxing then and there.

 

 

 

_‘Not yet. I want this to last.’_

 

 

 

“More, Vi-Vitya. Please praise me.”

 

 

 

“Mmm~ My Yuuri is so cute bouncing up and down on my cock like that and letting those beautiful sounds come out. Such a good boy.” He took that as an advantage to Victors pleasure and let any sounds he held back roll past his lips. It began with numerous vocal moans and sighs, he loudened when he brushed abruptly over his prostate. However, with Victor studying every noise, he too took advantage and bucked up to where Yuuri half-moaned loudly but with cut short with a scream as the silver haired man fucked into his prostate and came in unison with Victor, both men breathless and overstimulated from the touching and intimacy.

 

 

 

“I love you,” said Yuuri with his face adorned in sweat.

 

 

 

“As do I.”

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

**_~~ **** ~~ _ **

 

 

Day had passed and night swept over the sky, peppered in stars. The beach was so beautiful away from civilisation, you could see what Earth had to offer and how overlooked its gift had been with the amount of noise and construction littering and covering the sky. Out here on this beach you _couldn’t_ count the stars, the only thing countable was the numbers of today’s date in which he would remember as the greatest memory. Usually he tried to remember days rather than what they offered, often asking himself _“is this a good day, or a bad day?”_

 

 

 

Yuuri and Victor lay on a towel beside a dim-lit, ember ridden fire with Makkachin happily nuzzling their legs, hands interwound together as the raven shorter man pointed at every star chanting colourful, random names to them and yelling out, “if you can hear me from above; I am Katsuki Yuuri, I am twenty-four years old and I’m stubbornly in love with Victor Nikiforov! I stole him from the world and there are no returns!” Victor erupted with a chesty laugh and indented soft kisses onto Yuuri’s face, they both laughed happily and the old poodle barked to join in the eruption of joyous sounds. They paused briefly and Victor put on a straight, but loving, face to indicate what Yuuri had dreaded.

 

 

 

“Why do you harm yourself when you know there will be days like this to come?”

 

 

 

He in took a gulp of fresh air and spoke with a tone that was audible yet so very delicate. “Because it quietens the anxiety riddled within me. When I am wounded physically, I can stitch it up or clean it or bandage it because it’s fixable and goes away within a short amount of time depending on the seriousness of the damage. When I am wounded mentally, I can’t stitch it up or clean it or bandage it because it’s not fixable. I do have therapists and people I can see for help or to talk to for my anxiety but when even a small amount hits me, maybe it’s about speaking to interviewers, I won’t just think about that one specific thing that bothered me, I’ll either end up rationalising about other multiple things, or over analysing about the first problem and let my thoughts consume me. When my thoughts consume me, they become real and accompany me pre-anxiety attack, mid-anxiety attack and post-anxiety attack, Victor. They’re awful. It started when I stopped eating and worked out more and I got to _this_ body and I can’t ‘just eat’ because I’m worried the world will implode if I do eat because eating means I’m fat and fat means I take up too much fucking space in this world and nobody wants that. _I_ don’t want that. I guess I’m a pussy, maybe, but I’m scared, Victor. I’m so scared and I just want everything to stop like right now. I want the world to stop so we have all the time in the world and I could laugh with you and Makkachin and set the night on fire with sparklers and fiery embers tinting the sand. I want the world to stop so I could lay in the ocean with you and share our responses to which cloud looks like what animal. I want the world to stop so I could relive the intimacy we shared before. I want the world to stop so I could memorise the outline of your hands, every crack and crease and the small scar on your thumb and the barely visible freckles that litter your knuckles and the sensation of when I feel you interlacing with my own or when we hold pinkies after every promise. Before when you touched me so gently and lovingly, when you caress my cheek and your pale fingers contrast with my olive skin. When your beautifully shaped fingers lay upon me I feel ecstatic, Victor. I want the world to stop so that memory could last and it won’t just sit aimlessly at the back of my mind when the thoughts engulf me and I relapse. That’s why I do this to myself.”

 

 

 

Victor sit staring at the star dusted sky before he tightened his grip on Yuuri's hands, breathing out a shaking breath. “My Yuuri, Солнечный свет, I have no words. What you just said I will remember but never reply to because I do not want to reply incorrectly. But my lovely, handsome man; you must promise me that if you are feeling even just a bit anxious to come to me. I know you worry you will hurt me because you are filled to the brim and drowning in anger and sadness and worry but I will try my hardest to comfort you and make sure you don’t hurt yourself. Da?” He held out a pinky in an embodiment of promise, waiting for Yuuri to take ahold of it in his own, to which he replied to that gesture with a tentative link from his own pinky.   

 

 

 

Victor pressed a final kiss to the gold band on his ring finger and they both fell asleep with Makkachin inside the tent as more coals danced from the fire and dawn neared. _ **  
**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!
> 
>  
> 
> i had really really really super duper bad anxiety about something really really really super duper dumb during the end of it so it's probably really really really super duper terrible so sorry for being a bad writer!
> 
>  
> 
> YUURI ROMANTICIZING SELF HARM ISN'T HEALTHY!!! PLEASE DON'T PROMOTE SELF HARM AND SAY THE STUFF HE SAYS BECAUSE SELF HARMING IS B A D. I STOPPED AND I'M FOUR MONTHS CLEAN BC IT WASN'T BENEFITING ME OR ANYONE ELSE. DO. NOT. ROMANTICISE. SELF. HARM. OR. INJURY. THANKQ.
> 
>  
> 
> i also am going on christmas break and where i live it's 6 weeks + the school i go to is 8 weeks so instead of releasing every two weeks i'll TRY and write as often as i can and release a new ch every week or less (´ー`)
> 
>  
> 
> fun fact: yuuri is excited about the stars and lack of noise because when i had exchange students from japan they were excited about the stars being that they were crowded in noise and skyscrapers and my isolated suburban town has nothing looming over the stars and just recently i understood why they were so happy over something so trivial
> 
>  
> 
> (also yuuri having sex doesn't magically fix his problems, neither does victor and dating him. i wrote that bc that's the evolution of their relationship in this fic.)


	16. Crumpled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating, i've been sick and i got a girlfriend so i've been texting her lots  
> tw: explicit descriptions of mental illness, self injury and eating disorders. do happy things if this makes you feel bad like light a candle and let the aromas consume you or doodle stuff

The next morning after both lover’s shenanigans they awoke to a heavy spring rain dampening their clothes. A groan escaped from the ravenettes lips and faded into the pitter of rain, drowning in the sea beside them, as he buried his face deeper into the warmth of Victor’s neck trying to seek warmth from the rain. Both feeling boneless, they felt it was just to stay there because it was just _rain_ after all. 

 

 

 

That was until a curly, brown poodle erupted from its slumber and was frantically barking at them to get up and take him home.   

 

 

 

“Mmm… Makkachiiiiiiiiin…” Victor rolled off his tongue and untangled himself from his Yuuri to tend to the dog and hush him from the bucketing rain (thankfully protecting them with the blue tent). Yuuri stretched himself awake but stayed in the same spot while Victor retrieved their bags. The younger of the two had pouty lips, squinting eyes and his arms reached towards Victor with grabby hands, sleep dusting his eyes and sand made him itch from his legs up. Victor took notice to his boyfriend’s gestures and knelt to his level, running his hands through the raven’s hair and pressing a tired kiss to his forehead, receiving a soft hum from him as a smile adorned his adorable sleepy face.  

 

 

 

“Don’t want to go, my angel?” the silver man received yet another hum in response.   

 

 

 

“Mmm… Victor is so warm and this beach is so pretty. It’s _so_ stressful at home,” another kiss was dented into his hairline as Victor seated him upright and handed his blue-rimmed glasses to him.   

 

 

 

“I know, baby. I know. But if we stay here it’ll be too wet and you’ll catch a cold! Plus, Makkachin will be barking nonstop if we don’t attend to his almighty needs.” Yuuri giggled and Victor pulled away his hand and continued packing their stuff in the bags they brought while the rain became heavier with every passing second. When he did pull his hand away, a large clump of jet-black hair adorned his fingers.   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                                                          

 

 

 

                                        ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

The roads were thick with wetness and humidity, leaves littered the gutters and hide-aways of Hasetu’s suburban streets. By this time, it was already nine in the morning, Yuuri drank cold coffee that tasted more like cough syrup, Makkachin smelled like socks and mould ridden cheese, and Victor was drenched in sweat and rain from packing earlier.   

 

 

 

Yet despite all of this, they were all in a really good mind set as they linked hands and sipped their cold-cough-syrup-like coffee’s and no anxiety boiled in Yuuri’s gut as they pulled into the driveway of his family’s onsen. Makkachin bolted from his spot in the car to pounce on Toshiya and Hiroko who were waiting at the door reading and indulging themselves in the atmosphere of the rain as small droplets fell on their grey hair. Both parents craned their neck to see where Makkachin had come from and a sparkle hinted at their eyes as Victor and Yuuri lugged their bags over their shoulders and raced to hug them. Bags thwacked them in the face but they didn’t mind.   

 

 

 

“Yuuri! Vicchan! How was the beach?” Hiroko bubbled with joy as she clasped Yuuri’s hand in her own nimble ones.   

 

 

 

“It was really good. I feel a lot better than I did a few days ago.” And what yuuri said was honest and true because he felt like he was loved by so many people and that he could recover from cutting himself.   

 

 

 

 _Determined._   

 

 

 

“And you, Victor-senpai?” Toshiya pronounced through chopped up English.   

 

 

 

All Victor could do was smile and nod as tiredness loomed over him and choked him, preventing him from answering in more than one syllable.  

 

 

 

Hiroko took the foreigners face into her hands and pulled him close so she could examine his features without her glasses, suddenly letting a gasp erupt from her lips, “Victor! There are bags under your eyes and you are looking much paler than normal! Have you been sleeping properly?!” Victor shrugged and nuzzled against Yuuri, feeling drowsy and trying his best to blink himself into consciousness.    _“_

 

 

 

 _I’m going to put Victor to bed and let him sleep for a while. He’s packed most of our stuff and I’m certain he stayed up making sure I got to sleep.”_ Yuuri spoke in Japanese while lugging all their bags into the house and gently pulling Victor into their room. He watched as his boyfriend climbed under the duvet and then pulled them over the already snoring man, pressing a soft kiss at his hairline before changing into one of Victor’s jumpers.   

 

 

 

 _“I look bigger in this,”_ he thought. Taking extra care in how his body looked was a big focus right now because he knew his mother would make him eat if she saw how thin her only son had become.   

 

 

 

The ebony haired man walked out to greet his sister, his footsteps made the floorboards of their hallway creak and echo into the abyss of their empty house, the doorknob to his sisters’ room caught her attention and she pressed a button on her TV, pausing some show that was quietly playing the background as she painted her nails.   “Greetings and salutations. You a Heather?”   

 

 

 

“I’m clueless as to what you just said.”  

 

 

 

“It’s a reference. Enter.”  

 

 

 

 Yuuri sat with his legs under his bum, pressing a button and watching whatever show his sibling was enjoying while she slipped a cigarette between her lips and took a long suck on the dart and her blue nails dripped onto the paper. Yuuri twisted the cap of the blue bottle left and shakily applied it to his left thumb. The show consisted of poorly dubbed Japanese, punching, lighting and some buff green dude that seemed pretty pissed off at the hot guy dressed in limited armour. By the time Yuuri actually took interest in what his sibling was watching he had already finished polishing seven fingers an azure colour.   

 

 

 

 _"When I’m not by your side, I’ll remember your prettily coloured eyes,”_ he thought to himself admiring the glossy coating adorning his nails.   

 

 

 

“What’re you thinking about, Yuuchan?” Mari spoke in a deep voice, lisped over a cigarette as she adjusted her purple head-band to put her baby hairs off her forehead.   

 

 

 

“Victor.”  

 

 

 

“As were you the past thirteen years,” she muttered incomprehensively through the smoke dusting the space in front of her face. “You know your family loves you, Yuuri? And we love you regardless of your mental wellbeing because we believe you’re so stubborn, that you’ll end up ignoring what your anxiety tells you in years to come. I know it’s hard now, I’ve been where you are many times but I pushed through and found things I like, like smoking. Of course, though, you shouldn’t smoke. That’ll fuckin’ kill you. I mean like doodle or something. Even if you're shit at it let your hand guide you, draw the fields of flowers and sakura tree’s standing in front of you, practice drawing hands until they’re perfect. But just find something to take you away from the world and its negative thoughts engulfing you. Okay?”   

 

 

 

“Yep, I understand,” he replied nodding and hugging his sister (mindful of the fresh coat of blue messily lathered on his fingernails). “I think I’m going to speak to Mama and Papa, I’ve been so distant and distracted with my mental health and dating that I focussed more on that than my family. Thank you, Mari-senpai.” He bowed and strutted to the kitchen holding his mother and flapping his hands around to dry them, worrying they’ll drip into his mother’s food.   

 

 

 

“Mama?” He peeked around the corner as the grey-red haired lady ushered him in with a grin spread from ear-to-ear.   

 

 

 

“Ah! Yuuri! Be a dear and cut those spring-onions for me? I’m too busy with the cabbages and it’s _way_ past five o’clock.” She cut the said ingredient at a hurried pace and threw them into a pan drizzled lighting in oil.   

 

 

 

Luckily, his nails had dried quickly and nothing ruined the onions he carefully cut and handed to his mother. The ingredients he chopped varied now and became sauces and spices that he dusted over the dish.   

 

 

 

 _“_ _Okonomiyaki.”_ Or something like that.   

 

 

 

Suddenly, after sharing jokes between mother and son an unrequited feeling made his stomach feel queasy and stir aimlessly as he clutched on and groaned in pain.   

 

 

 

“What is it, Yuura?”   

 

 

 

“I-I don’t know… Is there anything I can eat now? Without filling up too much, of course.”   

 

 

 

She smiled kindly and lay a palm flat on his back, feeling the muscle there tense at the touch. His anxiety was so readable even someone as blind as Hiroko – who wore thick glasses – could visibly notice even if there was lack in light. She gestured to an opened box sitting where the guests checked in and out of the onsen and there sat _hospitality muesli bars_. It was better than nothing.   

 

 

 

As the raven opened one packet hurriedly and shoved it into his mouth he forgot how fucking _good_ it felt to chew and bite into something other than his own fingernails. It tasted dry and stale, maybe even mouldy, and it smelled slightly of wet cardboard so all in all it tasted pretty bad, however he happily obliged to shovelling another into his mouth and it was shocking when he discovered that the box originally filled with eight dry-stale-maybe-even-mouldy-and-wet-cardboard-smelling muesli bars were left with no dry-stale-maybe-even-mouldy-and-wet-cardboard-smelling muesli bars. He went back and made friendly duologue with his mother and helped her cook the okonomiyaki, talking about nonsense and some semi-meaningful subjects like their more distant family living deeper in Japan who sent their congratulations after the GPF _(“I mean, they’re three and a half months late to send their thanks but tell them I said thanks back anyways.”)_    

 

 

 

“We just have to wait for it to cool, dear. Go, busy yourself,” Hiroko pulled his head down to her level gently and pressed her lips into the crown of his head. Yuuri nodded his head and walked to the table where his father was fumbling with the sides of his phone, tongue peeking through his parted lips and a groan passing from them.   

 

 

 

Yuuri giggled and gently took the device from his hands, clicking a button making soft monologue spill from the speakers on there. Toshiya looked at his son in awe making Yuuri clutch his sides in a fit of laughter. “It’s the small button that’s isolated from volume and the on and off button. Here,” he said pointing to the button he clicked.   

 

 

 

“Arigatō.” The older man bowed politely and tapped the wooden chair next to him, gesturing for his son to sit down beside him. The raven-haired man obliged and sat, craning his head to see what the fuss was about with the volume and saw him watching a younger – a ten or eleven year old – boy with jet-black hair gliding along ice not so gracefully, falling over multiple times but getting up laughing. A girl with her hair up in a high pony-tail and pink jacket laughed with him and helped him from the fall onto his skates again. Whoever was holding the camera bubbled with joy as loud laughter burst into the audio. Yuuri recognised the video from long ago.   

 

 

 

It was him and Yuuko.   

 

 

 

“I found out how to put video’s from other devices onto phones and felt it was just that I kept this one close to me at all time,” Toshiya said, hearing a nostalgic smile in his voice.   

 

 

 

“I remember this day. I think that was also the day we adopted Vicchan from the pound.” Yuuri sighed happily staring at the video playing from his father’s phone.   

 

 

 

“Speaking of Vicchan, are you happy with Victor?” The grey haired man looked from the phone into his son’s coffee coloured eyes, slightly glazed over with bags making his face droop.   

 

 

 

“Yes. Of course. Why don’t you think I’m happy with Victor? Haven’t you seen the posters a-and body pillows of him littering my room?”   

 

 

 

“Ah, Gomen'nasai. I know you love him, you just… haven’t been as joyful? Like the other day when you went out drinking, you only ever drink for celebration, and you looked so _torn_ when you and him went to the beach. I worry for you, Yuuchan.”   

 

 

 

The said boy hung his head in shame. He thought everyone was disappointed in him for the way he had been acting over the passing few months. He didn’t actually think his family cared and saw through him.    

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, dad. I’ll try to get out more,” he smiled and shook hands with his old man, somewhat meaning his vow.   

 

 

 

About ten minutes later, the cabbage dish was served to Mari, Toshiya, Hiroko and Yuuri. His first bite was hesitant, letting it hover over his lips for the coming moments until he counted down from three and pushed the dark plastic chopsticks into his mouth, experimentally rolling it around in his mouth and then letting it slip past his tongue.   

 

 

 

_My God, was that the most satisfying feeling he had received since two and a half months ago._

 

 

 

The raven haired man had multiple helpings of the dish, spending time with his family and talking about nonsense and nothingness, enjoying the atmosphere of one another after ages of isolation in his room as his anxiety weighed him down.    

 

 

 

They all said their thanks for the meal, Mari went out for a cig, Toshiya kept himself busy with Makkachin and Hiroko read a book. A simple night that still meant a great deal to Yuuri. He walked to the bathroom for a shower, being careful not to disturb the man sleeping down the hall and smiling at the thought of his boyfriend’s sleepy face as he curled into bed beside him.    

 

 

 

Yuuri stripped, letting his boyfriend’s jumper abandon his body and land in a crumpled head to the tiled floor, next came his pants which fell twisted onto the familiar piece of clothing so he was left bare skin, shivering, and in his briefs.   

 

 

 

Now you see, since Yuuri’s anxiety had weighed him down in bed and the plain sighted fact that he couldn’t handle it, he hadn’t seen himself – his new body – stare back at him through the mirror in a while. Curiosity clawed its way up Yuuri’s back and made him spin his head around awkwardly to have the olive-skinned boy look back at him.   

 

 

 

_His heart collapsed like the furrowed clothes._

 

 

 

Although his thought to see a skinny man look at him was, to him, incredibly cocky, he hoped for just that but was torn with disappointment at the _thing_ stare back at him.   

 

 

 

The hipbones that once profusely exposed themselves through flesh were now rolls of skin spilling past his boxer briefs; the cage of bones under his pecks were replaced by flesh that rolled on top of each other, rippling with every intake of breath – quickening at the minute. More fat exposed itself under his chin and his arm was an equivalent size to his thigh. Hot tears rolled down his face as more pooled in his muddy eyes, knee’s buckled and sent him to the ground in a shaking mess.    

 

 

 

He was so vulnerable in this state that Voice was chanting at him.   

 

 

 

_“_ _You’re so weak. If you could see yourself right now you’d feel as nauseous as I am; a paunchy, crumpled heap openly sobbing on the ground alone in his parent’s bathroom. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. You failed yourself and gained so much weight and you need to be punished. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.”_

 

 

 

The sobbing man pitifully crawled on his hands and knees to the drawers, rummaging through hairbrushes and soap bars until something nicked his finger, indicating that is was the razor. He pressed it into the parts he hated.   Every part of flesh layering him was where he hated.   

 

 

 

The mental pain was a distant sound in the back of his head by now just like everything else. He was positioned in the corner of his bathroom letting blood stain the tiles and tears fall creating an anxiety filled cocktail.   

 

 

 

However, what the Japanese man didn’t know was the heart-wrenching image his eyes conveyed to him were actually only a part of how he saw his self-worth. In reality, he would weigh around fourty-five kilograms and all the features once there were different indeed, but the way they were different was how damned noticeable they actually were. The distinct-ness of them was hard to brush past, despite him eating his first full meal and snacks in a while   Eventually, he cleaned the mess up with a dirty towel and had a cold shower to numb and clean him. Yuuri padded down the hallway towards their room to find Victor playing a game on his phone sleepily. The Russian looked up at the door where Yuuri dropped his clothes.  

 

 

 

“Yuuri! Come and cuddle wi- Yuuri?” the said man curled in on himself and let hiccups and sobs rip from within him as his anxiety overcrowded his mind into thinking Victor would be angry with him, so when the older man asked if he was okay and pet his hair he only let more sobs violently rip open his chest and repeat two words.   

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.”   

 

 

 

Victor’s hand fell over the younger man’s thigh, feeling him tense at the touch and the slits making it weep blood. Although he was shocked, he held on tighter to Yuuri, fearing that if he didn’t the broken pieces would crumple in front of him so he held on as tightly as he could to the skinny boy and cried into his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos appreciated.  
> my tumblr is [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/irridecentloner)


	17. Anchors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I should be dead.”

Morning seeped through the window and poured onto Yuuri and Victor, who was cradling him in his embrace. Usually, the light would make the said Japanese man groan and roll over in annoyance but he was awake and staring blankly at it as it danced across the carpeted surface of his floor and brushed abruptly over his chocolate coloured eyes. His whole figure tingled yet he felt so utterly _numb_. The best he could describe why he felt this sensation so intensely was magnets hidden in his skin, urging him, persuading him, to get out of bed and start the recovery process of leaving his anxiety and everything imprisoning him in this cage of flesh and bone but he had trouble mustering up the strength to even pull the covers closer and shield him from the rays.    

 

 

 

He didn’t even flinch when a pair of chapped lips were pressed to his cheek turned from the pillow.   

 

 

 

“Good morning, baby,” Victor’s voice was raspy and thick with the foreign accent that highlighted the list of reasons why he was beautiful.   

 

 

 

 _“Beautiful,”_ Yuuri thought, _“I guess opposites really do attract.”_    

 

 

 

The raven haired man didn’t move even when Victor lovingly pet his side, running his hands up and down his ribcage – which had the texture of a broken piano as his fingers brushed over them.    

 

 

 

“Yuuri?” The said man shrugged in response, making Victor sigh in sympathy, seeing his pain expose itself in the form of hushes and barely-there gestures, “what made you do it?”   

 

 

 

That made him fucking spring up from the covers to look at his boyfriend, horrified.   

 

 

 

“Excuse me?”   

 

 

 

“Why did you hurt yourself when nothing relatively _bad_ even happened? Why, Yuuri? Tell me.” The older of the two stared at him with a neutral look painted on his face as he spoke through his teeth, sounding almost angry at Yuuri for something he barely caught a glimpse of.    

 

 

 

“I do not want to talk about this, Victor,” the smaller man looked at him expressing numbness in his glare.   

 

 

 

“No,” a hand twisted Yuuri’s stomach at the one word that forced silence between his lips. “I only ever want to help and you and make sure my boyfriend is okay but you push me away, Katsuki. Do you know how _fucking frustrating_ that is? And you should be relieved that I’m not pissed off at you for breaking your promise and hurting yourself yet again.”   

 

 

 

“So, if you’re not mad now, this is your happiness showing itself?”   

 

 

 

The older man blinked at what his usually reserved keeps-his-opinions-to-himself boyfriend had just answered him back.   

 

 

 

“Just… Chill the fuck out, Victor. I’m struggling enough and you’re stressing me out. I could have gone to different room after cutting and left you alone but I came back because I know you can’t be without me.”   

 

 

 

Victor fumed at the statement, seething with an immense rage that showed in the change of his facial expression; a straight line in his lips made them curl into his mouth, his fists balled in the duvet of their bed, his eyes didn’t change visually, nonetheless, but Yuuri knew that fire curled in the vast ocean-blue in them and had no intention of being put out anytime soon.    

 

 

 

Some people in this moment would laugh, some people in this moment would scold them, some people in this moment would scream and yell with smoke in their lungs.   

 

 

 

The Russian man, in this case, removed himself from the bed (with his fists still curled). Yuuri watched him with stone eyes as he turned the steel handle and strode angrily out of sight with not a hush spared except the padding of his feet in the hallway.   

 

 

 

The younger man turned his head to the ground, a spark igniting in him that made him want to run out and bury himself in Victors chest, to cry it into his shirt and say how sorry he is for being so damned _difficult_ since he had come from Russian. But something held whatever confidence he had and crushed it into a miniature, screwed up ball.    

 

 

 

He blinked and felt tears pool and threaten to swell.   

 

 

 

“No,” he muttered, “you don’t deserve to cry. You hurt him. Like always.”                                      ⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   

 

 

 

His mind was clustered in thought with each sit-up, his breathing shook with the rest of his body as his bloodshot eyes stung in the radiant wavering spring heat of Hasetsu. After what felt like a million sit ups he collapsed on the wooden floor of his bedroom in a moaning, out-of-breath mess, covered in sweat and shaking profusely from the overstimulation of the usually moderate workout.    

 

 

 

The shorter man would usually have sat back on his bed and gone to sleep for an hour to wear off the shaking and his overzealous anxiety being poured into his skull by Voice, who was crouching over him chanting the usual nonsense into his ears and Yuuri willingly letting himself get drenched in what his demons spat at him. But something held him down; something uncomfortable that felt more like teeth in his shoulder than a weight really. Then one of his voices told him something he had never heard before.   

 

 

 

 _“_ _You’re better off dead.”_    

 

 

 

These words combined were foreign to him yet sounded so fucking _correct_. I mean, it only made sense; the sadness and anxiety would never pass no matter how many therapy appointments, no matter how many people littered him with compliments and love, no matter who he spoke up to about the desire to hurt himself and refuse food, he knew the anxiety would always be overbearing and crush him and stand tall and looming over him, ranting to him about how horrible and useless he was.    

 

 

 

He thought about the news reports and books and movies mentioning people dying and thinking how they did it: which way was the quickest? The least painful? Something that would do the job and not leave him in hospital with broken bones? The possibilities were limitless.   

 

 

 

And for once, the ebony haired man willingly agreed to his demons screaming at him.   

 

 

 

The sadness wouldn’t pass. The anxiety wouldn’t pass. The desires he had wouldn’t pass. Katsuki Yuuri would always be _weak_.                                      ⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   

 

 

 

Yuuri went to gym after remembering he was a lard-ass and exercised until is olive coloured skin mixed into muddy red and perspiration made the jet-black locks of hair stick to his forehead.    

 

 

 

_I am tired._

 

 

 

_I want to go home._

 

 

 

_I want to stay there._

 

 

 

 _I_ _wish I was anywhere but here._    

 

 

 

His mind was clouded in negativity and his demons had accompanied him at the gym but everything they chanted benumbed in and sent pins and needles rip through his body.    

 

 

 

At times like this, he knew he could call Phichit, or text Minako, or go to the rink and paint his worries onto the ice with the guard of the blade. He decided on calling his Thai friend because he found comfort in the way his tongue rolled his “r’s” and the lisp lingering that apparently only Yuuri could hear, and when he laughed and fireworks lit up in his caramel eyes and his contagious laugh held stars and constellations.    

 

 

 

He found Phichit’s caller ID and pressed the green button soon hearing a low beeping sound followed by a bubbly “hey!”   

 

 

 

“Hi, Phi,” something dark had a grip around Yuuri’s throat and his friend could hear it. Nonetheless, Yuuri tried to brush it off by making small talk.   

 

 

 

“How’s your day going?”   

 

 

 

“Ah, good good! I’ve been practicing step sequences and landing jumps and I’ve improved so much! Did you get the video I sent in the group chat?”   

 

 

 

Yuuri opened his messages and saw the thumbnail of Phichit, not watching it.  

 

 

 

 “I’ll watch it later,” a tiny smile tugged at the corner of his mouth but not enough to make him have a genuine smile. Phichit could still hear the sadness in his throat.   

 

 

 

“What happened, Yuuri?”   

 

 

 

Pooling up in his dark eyes were tears threatening to spill, his voice was watery and quivering, his chest felt like it was filling up with hot water and flooding him.   

 

 

 

“I relapsed again.” Phichit knew of Yuuri’s darker days when the watery feelings overflowed and seeped from his eyes. He had walked in when Yuuri spilt a vein and was laying on the ground staring at the ceiling lifelessly with crimson pouring from the myriad of scars and building around him. Everything else after that was blurred but he remembers lots of people around him and beeping followed by a ringing in his ears and when he woke up his slits were stitched up neatly.   

 

 

 

“Oh, Yuuri, baby…”   

 

 

 

“But then Victor and I had another fight this morning and he left the room after I spoke and…” his head was swimming in negativity and felt like an anchor yet also at light as bubbles floating to the surface.    

 

 

 

“Yuuri? Stay on with me.”   

 

 

 

“Y-yeah. Sorry. He left the room and I didn’t even cry. Phichit, I am so, so, so stupid.”   

 

 

 

“Yuuri. Katsuki! You are not stupid; you are by far the smartest, most talented and bravest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I’m sorry that Victor walked out on you this morning, but I can see why: he’s stressed. And usually the stress overwhelms…”   

 

 

 

 _“_ _Ah, now I see it; I stress everyone out.”_ Yuuri’s head felt like it was overflowing and filling up the gym slowly, that everyone coughing from exhaustion and panting heavily was his fault and they were drowning.   

 

 

 

_"I should be dead.”_

 

 

 

“Yuuri? Yuuri!” Phichit’s snapping fingers and bubbly voice was like a boat horn screaming at him, making him wince at the sudden loud noise.   

 

 

 

“Yeah. Sure.”   

 

 

 

“Anyways, as I was just saying, you should probably go and talk to Victor. I’m staying on the line until you feel okay to talk.”   

 

 

 

“O-okay,” Yuuri’s watery thoughts had filled the gym and made him sound like he was head-deep in cold soak. The jet-black haired man pushed himself up from his knees for the walk home but something felt odd.   

 

 

 

His hazel coloured eyes felt blackness quickly fill in from the sides as they rolled into the far end of his overflowing skull, his knees buckled and his body trembled from his feet reaching his head, he felt the words of bystanders asking, “are you okay?” or “do you need a hospital” vibrate his skin. He felt the barely-there buzzes on the phone touching his face claw at his skin and bleed, mixing in with the teeming thought. Before he knew it, the phone had fallen out of his hand, the shaking only worsened and the anchor in his head made him crash to the gym floor.   

 

 

 

He had drowned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/irridecentloner) , if you wanna ask questions about this story or idk GIVE IT SOME LOVE??


	18. The Blue Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my experience in hospital (for a completely different reason) prompting this chapter so if it's incorrect forgive me lmao
> 
> tw: detailed descriptions of hospitalisation, mental illness, self harm, eating disorders and blood. if this makes you feel any way write your feelings out and use as many detailed descriptions as you can, draw swirls and spirals as small as you can, listen to "in love with a ghost" (they're super chilled), distract yourself

Yuuri fluttered his eyes open, expecting to wake up to a crowd of sweaty people in tank tops and sports bra’s asking if he needed a doctor.

 

 

 

So, he wasn’t too surprised when his eyes adjusted to the light provided by dull curtains in an almost calming coloured room held two doctors adjusting a plastic bag containing an opaque fluid. His eyes silently followed the tube connected to it which led to a drip in his inner elbow.

 

 

 

Caramel scanned the room, making out splotches of contrasted colour to the blue uniforms the doctors wore.

 

 

 

The skinny man groaned and winced at the heavy lead-like weight in his skull, which happened to catch the attention of everyone in the room.

 

 

 

“Oh! Yuuri!” Hiroko, Toshiya and Mari ran to him with open arms, soon engulfing his torso in a warm hug.

 

 

 

“H-hi…” he answered back with a watery voice.

 

 

 

His eyes jogged through the room again, making a thorough search for any other people hid in the corner of the blue room and hoping to find Minako, the triplets, Yuuko, or Takeshi running over to him in the same manner as his parents.

 

 

 

However, the only people in the room beside himself were two doctors fiddling with the drip in his arm and his parents, who looked overzealous that he was awake but also like they were hiding the anxiety and somewhat-sadness in a glass box.

 

 

 

“Please be careful, Mrs. He’s needs to be touched gently,” said the doctor with shittily-dyed blonde hair.

 

 

 

 _“I’m not a fucking petal,”_ he wanted to say, but instead kept his mouth shut knowing it’s good for himself.

 

 

 

“Is anyone else coming?” He replaced those other words with these ones instead.

 

 

 

“Mr. Katsuki, there are more people coming very soon, but you have to be on the downlow about it; the care you have been placed under allows visitors but most people who are in the same ward as you aren’t allowed friends or family due to their impulsive outbursts of violence or mental-instability.”

 

 

 

_“The care I’ve been placed under. Ward. Impulsive outbursts. What is he talking about? Where the hell am I?!”_

“Sir-“ the jet-black haired man was interrupted by the door opening and the tiny blue room filling with more people, in more exciting colours than blue that hurt his eyes just a bit and disrupted the somewhat serenity of the room. He didn’t even get a word in before they all rushed to his side and hugged him. Yuuri started to see their faces and filled with worry realizing that he couldn’t see very far in front of him despite wearing his glasses. Most of his worries quickly evaporated when he saw Yuuko, Axel, Lutz, Loop, Takeshi and Minako-sensei surrounding the foot of the bed.

 

 

 

The mattress was too solid, the blankets felt itchy and thin, the room had the air-conditioner too cold, a spring was loose and nudged his thigh, and the machines were louder than his overbearing anxiety.

 

 

 

Everything about this room made him claustrophobic and filled him with the urge to scream and break down into chest-tearing sobs; but it had blue wallpaper so he _should_ be calm.

 

 

 

Yuuri ignored everyone talking to him and attending his side to speak to the other doctor, who had a bob-cut and pink streaks in it – both male doctors in his room looked like they should be the ones in bed surrounded by loved ones.

 

 

 

“Doctor, where am I?” the man on the bed asked with a somewhat wishful tinge in his voice.

 

 

 

He got sympathetic looks from both doctors who then looked at each other like they were discussing who should tell Yuuri where he was.

 

 

 

Anxiety clawed its way up his back uninvited and took ahold of his throat.

 

 

 

“You’re in a mental hospital, Mr. Katsuki. You fainted at the weight-loss center and when we changed you into the hospital gown, we were in shock to see your butchered thighs, stomach and other hidden parts of your body. We didn’t need to weigh you because when we shed the layer of clothing you wore at the time we saw the state you were in and rushed you into a mental hospital instead of just one to care for your wounds.” He felt a fiery worry consume and engulf him, boiling in his veins under his chalk-coloured skin at the moment his brain was able to comprehend that people – strangers – saw how weak he was, they saw his body and scars and new cuts and now he was in a hospital.

 

 

 

The doctor still spoke to him, explaining why he fainted, that he would need help, basically it was the stuff he feared would happen that came true.

 

 

 

His voice was now drowned out in the scorching heat of his anxiety, the spitting fire which sizzled and was now burning the whole room and making him choke on black smog because the blonde-haired doctor from the far end of the room was explaining to his dearly loved friends and family the situation.

 

 

 

His eyes filled with boiling-hot tears at the looks they all gave him;

 

 

 

They all – even Axel, Lutz and Loop – had a contorted look adorn their face, which showed whatever worries were drawn back before clearly in their faces now. It disrupted the stillness of the room more-so than before because Yuuri knew _he_ was the one that did this to his dearly beloved all because of how fucking vain he was in his actions when at any time he could stop and say, “enough is enough” and spare the depressive looks he received, in which he could pinpoint the moment his parent’s hearts rip in two.

 

 

 

The looks they shared were interrupted when Yuuri’s silver-haired lover burst into his room, beads of sweat festooned his forehead indicating that he ran here and his eyes were glowing red.

 

 

 

_Had Victor been… crying?_

Silence forced its way into both of their throats as they shared a glace across the room, his ocean eyes kindling the heat within despite it being the same calming colour of the room. The way his platinum-blonde brows arched and his azure iris clashed with the blood-shot garnet surrounding it and lips quivered made him look so vulnerable in this room, like the visuals in it were just lies because, “the room is such a calming colour!” when in this moment the most calming colour was the ruby earrings his mother wore because it provided she was here.

 

 

 

Even if she held her head in her hands and sobbed as the second doctor told her about the state of physical and emotional being her son was in.

 

 

 

Everyone had streaks of sweltering tears in a constant stream, first pooling in their eyes and then overflowing to meet their ruby-tinged cheeks. Yuuko was the first person to look at him.

 

 

 

He could tell she wanted to slap him for doing this to himself.

 

 

 

 _“You probably deserve to be hurt, anyways,”_ whispered one of the voices almost casually into his ear.

 

 

 

                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   

 

 

 

Night swallowed the sky and the only people left in the room were his parents and Victor, snoring on chairs that were in the – now pitch black – corners of the room.    

 

 

 

He groaned in annoyance at the fact it was almost eleven at night and he wasn’t asleep, when usually he would be so fucking worn out from his anxiety and sleep until noon regardless of what time he went to bed; but the stupid drip in his arm was so immensely uncomfortable, and overall he was disappointed in himself for hurting the people around him and letting everything escape his reach when he thought he was in control of far it got.   

 

 

 

He moved his arm around gently to see how the needle in him felt.   

 

 

 

It wasn’t painful, as such, more than anything it was unusual to feel it.    

 

 

 

Yuuri ghosted his fingers over the spots where he had hurt himself, feeling the random scars and strangely shaped skin on his thighs (not even surprised when he felt stitches sewn into deeper ones that were more recent). His fingers soon met the hospital gown he wore, tracings the dots that patterned the blue dress and touching his bones which were sticking so far out it made him genuinely scared.   

 

 

 

 _"You fucked up big time and managed to disappoint your parents and friends in the process.”_ One voice said, gesturing to his gown with a scrawny finger.   

 

 

 

_“_ _And you’re distracting the doctors! They have more crucial issues than helping you. You were the one who put yourself in here and it’s fucking selfish that you did this.”_

 

 

 

“You’re right. You all are right. I’m so weak for letting it happen. I’m sorry,” the black-haired man mumbled and let tears roll down his face, sobs escaping his lips along with more of giving into what the voices say.   

 

 

 

Some of them began to scream, making Yuuri rock back and forth, covering his ears with his palms and scrunching his face up. Even though there were people with him he had never felt so alone before, and to make the situation worsen he let it _really_ sink in that he was in a mental hospital.   

 

 

 

He felt a hand lay gently on his spine but this one felt different from all the voices degrading and prodding him. He followed up the arm to a silhouette, which was also different from the ones surrounding his bed. Safer.    

 

 

 

It was Victor.   

 

 

 

“What are you still doing up?” the hitch and rawness was audibly clear in his voice.   

 

 

 

_“_ _He sounds so broken, and I’m to blame.”_

 

 

 

Yuuri sobbed harder where no sound came out but he visibly trembled under the Russians palm.   

 

 

 

“Oh Yuuri, love. It’s okay. We’re here. We aren’t going anywhere,” his hand moved up to stroke his boyfriends scalp but didn’t receive a word.    

 

 

 

“Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to wake up your parents? Or get a doctor?”   

 

 

 

Yuuri shook his head and managed the words, “just hold me, please?” And Victor obliged and wrapped his arms around the skinny boy’s torso, continuing to pet his hair in the process of comfort.   

 

 

 

“It will be okay.”   

 

 

 

Words of comfort coming from him sounded more like loose change hitting the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating as much guys; my mental health has spiralled downwards lately and i wasn't motivated to write at all
> 
> my [tumblr, my dudes](https://irridecentloner.tumblr.com/)
> 
> comments, feedback and kudos appreciated!


	19. Glass Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kjfhjdjsdfh i'm incredibly sorry for delaying so many chapters. i lost most of my friends which triggered my anxiety and i was unable to write
> 
> i promise to try my hardest to update from now on!!
> 
> tw: mentions of eating disorders, hospitals, mental illness, self harm and degrading language. if this affects you in any way, take some time to calm down, meditate, listen to music, do something small that matters to you. stay safe <3

**read notes. sorry for the delay!!**

 

 

 

 

 

  _Glass eyes._

 

 

 

_Doll’s eyes._

 

 

 

Yuuri woke to the same dull blue he woke up to days prior and he knew that colour would haunt him. His eyes glazed from the beeps and noises keeping him up at night.   

 

 

 

Every statement was as hollow as each other. Every stupid “it’ll be okay” were the most faceless things he had heard in a while because he needed help. Surely his self-inflicted injuries would show that it was a hidden plea for help he so desperately needed.    

 

 

 

The doctors did multiple check-ups on him. Speaking in a different tongue to each other, letting snickers escape their mouths when they checked the scrawny man’s blood pressure.   

 

 

 

Of course, Yuuri willingly let his anxiety consume him since there was really nothing he could except stare absently at the documentaries on television.   

 

 

 

But today after his mother plead with the doctors they agreed on letting him wonder alone through the hospital.   

 

 

 

 _“_ _That should be good? I need to get out. I feel like I’m going to drown.”_    

 

 

 

He would give anything to bottle his worries and demons that whisper and taunt him and throw that bottle into the ocean and let _them_ drown instead of himself. But other parts of his mind weighted him in the same spot feeling deaden.   

 

 

 

But he got up when his parents talked about Phichit, Yurio, Otabek and Celistino coming over, feeling completely belittled that his friends would see him like this; as thin and fragile as paper, his monsters being the accompanying ink that wrote on his pale skin. Defenseless and only able to fly in the whatever direction the coil blew him.                     

 

 

 

                ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀     

 

 

 

By now he had probably ventured the hospital for a solid ten or so minutes, dragging the useless IV drip on its wheels noisily through the unsettling, tiled-floor hallway. Passing from his room number, two-hundred and seven, to four-hundred and sixty. A hollow feeling engulfed him, shallow enough to be filled with the beeps from his machine and other noises from nearby patients.   

 

 

 

His ears only heard the same ocean-like sound. The sound you would get excited about when you were younger and you had just left the beach with a handful of shells. The sound where you thought the ocean was trapped in its corners. Except he wasn’t excited, or feeling anything really.   

 

 

 

Silence was really loud.   Deafening.   He noticed everything about the hallway and its eerie presence. Time had traced the plain creamy walls as cobwebs sprouted from its corners. Yuuri could hear the ringing as well as the other patients and the wheels of his stupid IV machine rolling down the hallway with him.    

 

 

 

All he could think about was how he let it get this bad. How he was, in this moment, trudging down the hallway of a hospital, with a rickety machine holding medicine for the drip in his arm. Thin and scrawny and cut up. His loved one’s worried sick for his well-being.   

 

 

 

The thoughts became a blur when someone softly poked his shoulder.   

 

 

 

_What do you want?_

 

 

 

“Hi, Mr. Katsuki.” Their smile was warm and seemed genuine, lips holding the sun and above was a cupid’s bow and black skin. “I am Alyssa, your therapist. You have been booked into a session up at your room.”   

 

 

 

Yuuri nodded. Tired from walking and all words abandoning his mouth.   

 

 

 

He turned the same direction she began to walk in, wearisomely dragging his machine to an elevator – glad that they didn’t have to walk a great distance to his room as he felt nauseous from the lack of sleep he had received the other night.    

 

 

 

“Another thing,” Alyssa said, not making eye-contact as she pressed a few buttons on the elevator. “Is everything alright? You were standing in the middle of the hall not moving at all.” She asked this almost casually, as though it happened often.   

 

 

 

 _Was I really just standing there? I thought I was moving._    

 

 

 

He looked up as the doors closed, getting a second glance at the room number he was at. It was still four-hundred and sixty but he was baffled.   

 

 

 

Yuuri eventually figured out that he had only wandered down a flat corridor for the patients in wheelchairs and walked a few meters. But the jet-black haired man was exhausted.

 

 

 

                                      ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   

 

 

 

A thousand words died on Yuuri’s lips when he was asked by his now-therapist how he felt, only replying with a small shrug as he traced the tube in his inner elbow. Alyssa continued asking everyone in the room how they felt with replied as similar as Yuuri’s.   

 

 

 

She explained the confidentiality rules. Yuuri didn’t listen neither did anyone else.    

 

 

 

Loneliness was the sentence for his dark thoughts. The Japanese man didn’t want to answer anything or talk about why he started starving himself in the first place because he would seem vain and harsh.   

 

 

 

The first minutes were of Alyssa going around the people asking how they felt, all of them again answering with something similar.   

 

 

 

_I_ _feel… sad._

 

 

 

_I feel… scared._

 

 

 

_I feel… sick._

 

 

 

Yuuri stared at the clock, time seeming slower as he watched it tick away the minutes and seconds that dragged on.   

 

 

 

_It’s 11:11._

 

 

 

_Make a wish._

 

 

 

“Now, Katsuki; how about you? How do you feel right now?”   

 

 

 

He shrugged again, rippled with numbness.   

 

 

 

“I need to hear a verbal answer or I cannot help you and whatever problems you’re struggling with.”   

 

 

 

“I feel like I am not good enough.” The reply was nonchalant, and his chapped fingers (nails bitten to the quick) pried the foam arm rests of the chair beside him, his lanky fringe parted in front of his brown eyes. Anxiety was taking a toll and it became visible the way his legs crossed tightly and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he tried to swallow.    

 

 

 

He looked back at the clock.   

 

 

 

 _11:13._ _He had missed his wish._    

 

 

 

She asked him questions, ignoring him claw at his arms and his throat close up whenever he spoke about sensitive subjects. Yuuri asked Alyssa if everyone except Hiroko and could leave the room and they all obliged and waited outside, Yurio sending a sad last-glance across the room.   

 

 

 

Now left his parents, Alyssa and himself – uncomfortably clawing the dented lather and foam under his arms.   

 

 

 

“So,” she waved a plump finger towards his parents directions, “have you seen Yuuri displaying any symptoms of anorexia and bulimia?”   

 

 

 

_The way she said those two words were so ugly._

 

 

 

_I can’t be one of those people._

 

 

 

_I can’t._

 

 

 

They spoke in fabled tongue to each other, Yuuri’s brain went fuzzy and could not process any words spilling from their lips.    

 

 

 

That was not a bad thing though. He didn’t want to hear how badly he had let down his parents and friends.    

 

 

 

At one point, Hiroko had burst into tears and let her sobs wreak havoc in the serenity of the room as they tore from her chest and belted against everyone’s ear drums.   

 

 

 

The anxiety ridden Japanese boy now shared his view on how and why he had got here while also denying the fact that he had let it get to an awful state.   

 

 

 

_“It wasn’t for myself.”_

 

 

 

_“_ _I didn’t mean to. It was out of my reach.”_

 

 

 

Then, through her tears, his mother bawled “are you happy now, Katsuki Yuuri?! Are you happy that you’re in here, thin and torn up with littered scars displayed over your skin?”   

 

 

 

Yuuri’s grip tightened, his fingers dug into his palms, he could feel tears swell in the chocolate brown of his eyes. “No, Mama. I do not in any way believe that you will understand or believe me but I mean from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry.”  

 

 

 

 She huffed and turned away to bury her face in Toshiya’s chest as he comforted her by running his hand up and down her spine.   

 

 

 

Yuuri’s brow furrowed as those swollen tears fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, falling away from his face once they reached his jaw.   

 

 

 

“Mr. Katsuki; how do you feel about the situation Yuuri is facing with?”   

 

 

 

Yuuri watched a spark kindle in his father’s eyes.   

 

 

 

“Well: I think our son has truly messed up badly. He has done himself and everyone in his life no good. Yuuri, I see that you have truly disappointed us.”   

 

 

 

_Ah, there were those even uglier words._

 

 

 

_I messed up._

 

 

 

_I did no one any good._

 

 

 

_I am a disappointment._

 

 

 

                                   ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   

 

 

 

Once the day met the night and Yuuri, his parents and Victor had fallen asleep and everyone else he loved had gone back to a hotel, a thundering scream burst through the corridors of the hospital, waking everyone up.   

 

 

 

Yuuri and Victor shared a half-awake glance from the younger man’s bed and of course the two of them had a mind equally as adventurous as each other.   

 

 

 

They gently paced down the eerie halls, Victor helping push Yuuri’s machine and taking his boyfriend’s petite hand in his much larger one for comfortability. They approached a gather of people watching whatever was happening unfold.   

 

 

 

They did not expect to see this.   

 

 

 

A group of three burly doctors and nurses were holding a female patient away from a spilled container of unidentified pills. She struggled in their grasp, obviously frantic to get to them as they swept them into their palms. Her appearance was ratty, gown covered in dirt and…

 

 

 

_Blood?_

 

 

 

Yuuri scanned the rest of her body for where the blood could be coming from and felt an immediate hostile feeling creep over his body when he saw blood seeping from her wrists.   

 

 

 

The Japanese man immediately turned back down the hall with his lover following closely behind.   

 

 

 

They didn’t let a hush of words leave their lips as they wandered back to see Hiroko and Toshiya waiting for them at the door frame of his room. They quickly pulled him in for a hug and kiss with a pale colour flooding their faces.    

 

 

 

Once they were inside, they all agreed in silence it was best to sleep that event off and deal with whatever happens in the morning. Victor quickly kissed Yuuri’s lips before he fell into a repeated pattern of gentle snores and huffs along with the older couple in the room.   

 

 

 

Yuuri didn’t sleep, though.   

 

 

 

He had stolen the dropped pills from the ground and was an arm’s length away from death.

                                                                                                                                     


	20. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: hospitals, panic/ anxiety attacks, yelling, eating disorders, and hurtful words

By the time everyone was awake and thriving in the hospital it was 10 in the morning. The raven haired man rubbed sleep from his chocolate-brown eyes and awoke to his parents gone and only Victor in the room. His anxiety immediately went into blow when his brain processed the fact that his mum and dad weren’t in the room with him.

 

 

 

“They went to get everyone a coffee,” his silver haired lover gently brushed his fingers across Yuuri’s thigh making him flinch under the touch.

 

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

 

“Yuri said that he wanted to have a talk to you about everything happening. Are you alright to talk with him?”

 

 

 

In all honesty, if he could stay silent: he would sit there with a dead tongue forever. And to make everything worse, it was the boy who would taunt him with colourful names and give him worse bruises than ones from training on the ice.

 

 

 

_Yeah no._

_I’m good._

 

“Yeah. Sure.” His lips fell silent as he continued staring at a darker shade of blue on the wall beside him.

 

 

 

                         ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

Eventually his parents were back with three coffees for themselves and Victor.

 

 

 

His lover’s hands didn’t leave his thighs.

 

 

 

Impatient.

 

 

 

A cry for him to stop.

 

 

 

His need for this bony man to get better was visible in the way his grip tightened at any small hiccup or sniffle. He craved it like a drug; no, more than drugs. He craved it like water; it brought the same primal satisfaction as any of his other base urges.

 

 

 

Yuri would be coming with Otabek any second and Yuuri was trembling with fear.

 

 

 

_Is it normal to fear someone you’re close to?_

 

 

 

_No._

 

 

 

The triplets, Takeshi, Yuuko, and Minako were all at their houses after a night’s sleep filled with apprehension. A bootleg version of other diplomatic sleep-filled nights.

 

 

 

Yuuri could smell the coffee of everyone in room. He salivated but refused any, fearing the weight gain if he ingested anything.

 

 

 

Hiroko had ice-coffee with honey as smooth and silky as her voice but with a kick of ginger as sharp as her tongue.

 

 

 

Toshiya had a small biscuit with his green tea that crumbled when it touched the hot contents, similar to his coping of the situation they were all in right now.

 

 

 

Victor’s was black and bitter.

 

 

 

Yuuri began to wonder if Victor liked his morning drinks like his lovers; dark, bitter. It will taste awful but he’d rather the darkest parts of his lovers than to have nothing.

 

 

 

The door opened to greet the face of a doctor smiling. “Yuri Plisetsky and Otabek Altin want to see you,” behind his head was the figure of two shorter people, Yuri and Otabek.

 

 

 

“Yes, let them in!” Victor said, putting his drink down to greet them with Hiroko and Toshiya. They all exchanged handshakes and hugs – with kisses on the cheek from his grey-red haired mother – while the youngest Asian man in the room sat in the bed, too bushed to get up, which only made him feel weaker.

 

 

 

“Yo, Katsuki,” he greeted with a small wave. Silence had marinated the said man’s lips as he managed a wave similar to Yuri and his Kazakhstan lover.

 

 

 

They all spoke in a hush away from Yuuri as his eyes melted into the sapphire stained walls, his mind absent and ambiguous. At one point he turned to face them and everyone was walking out of the door except Yuri.

 

 

 

A tremble shook his whole frame.

 

 

 

The Russian boy pulled a chair beside Yuuri’s forearm with the IV tube in it, letting his eyes wander over whatever he wanted.

 

 

 

His eyes were sharp and resembled sour apples.

 

 

 

But his smile was loving and looked like kindness.

 

 

 

“Hey, Yuuri.”

 

 

 

“Hi.” That was the first firm word he had said in a few days.

 

 

 

“Why are you doing this to yourself.”

 

 

 

_Damn._

_Straight to the point._

 

 

 

He shrugged and fiddled with a loose string on his hospital gown that camouflaged with the room, “ I don’t know. I didn’t mean for it to go this far.”

 

 

 

“Why could you not just eat?” This fierce Russian boy’s voice was honey-thick with his accent and even thicker with unshed tears. Yuuri wanted to assure him that it would be fine and he would be out sooner than expected but truth be told: that was bullshit.

 

 

 

“I did not want to because I was sick of being called fat.”

 

 

 

_The truth._

 

 

 

“Everyone in the media gets called fat, ugly, too skinny. Everyone is judged for something. You weren’t some special snowflake, so why did you do this to yourself?”

 

 

 

Anger painted his porcelain face and sadness made his lips quake and eyes pool with more unshed tears. The older man took his patience instead of breaking down in front of his younger friend.

 

 

 

“Other people are affected by those words differently.”

 

 

 

“Can you not build up any resilience to those comments? At all?”

 

 

 

Anxiety clawed its way up Yuuri’s spine, which was sticking out profusely.

 

 

 

“Aren’t you hungry?”

 

 

 

_Truth be, I’m famished. But I’ll never tell you that._

 

 

 

He shrugged again and ripped a piece of string off his green-blue gown, then plucking a new piece which creased it.

 

 

 

He touched the Asian man’s hand for comfort.

 

 

 

The Asian man visibly flinched under the touch.

 

 

 

“Please, just talk to me. About whatever you want. I do not care. Just please, please tell me. I want to help.”

 

 

 

_A hasty change in mood._

“I’m fine. I have got it under control.”

 

 

 

“That’s so stupid.”

 

 

 

_Oh shit._

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

_He’s crying._

_I did this._

_Shit._

He heard a Voice pipe up from wherever it had been lurking.

 

 

 

_“How could you do this to him and everyone else? You are so selfish!”_

 

 

 

“Just eat! Put something in your mouth and chew! We all care about you, but you’re being too ignorant to actually listen!” He was belting his words at full volume.

 

 

 

_“You’re ignorant. So, so very ignorant and pig-headed.”_

 

 

 

Yuuri covered his ears and began to rock and shudder at his demons and his friend preaching about how he was hurting himself and his loved ones.

 

 

 

Yuri stopped yelling once he heard the breathing of his foreign friend accelerate. He placed the flat of his hand onto Yuuri’s back that shook with cries. His tears stopped for the sake of his friend, not asking if he was okay because – obviously – that question was already answered before it had rolled off Yuri’s lips.

 

 

 

His initial plan was to sit there and comfort him with words of praise and tell him that he was going to be alright and breathe. That changed quickly when the ebony haired man screamed and bellowed a loud cry. Blurred, but enough to get the point across that Yuri would not help the situation by himself.

 

 

 

The people staying with Yuuri burst into the door behind three doctors. His mother rushing to his side followed by his father and the doctors that overwhelmed him with enquiries and requests.

 

 

 

Otabek held Yuri in his arms as he began to cry – thinking that he had done this and made matters worse than what they started off as.

 

 

 

Victor watched from afar, clenching his forearms and soundlessly weeping, watching this awful mess unfold. He looked Yuri in his sour apple eyes and spoke firmly but the gloomy tone was not disguised well at all.

 

 

 

“What did you say?”

 

 

 

“Nothing! I raised my voice but I think he took it the wrong way, or something happened in his head.”

 

 

 

Victor took a second glance at his boyfriend who was now looking as empty as ever, his weeping parents who were talking him out of his anxiety attack, Yuri whose face was guilt-ridden and was trembling against Otabek – shaking as hard as each other –, and the doctors with bags adorning their eyes.

 

 

“Why did you do this, Yuuri…?” said the blonde soundlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo does anyone wanna be internet friends?


	21. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to "to build a home" by the cinematic orchestra when you read this chapter.

**read notes before reading <3**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was 5:17 in the morning, the sunrise capturing sounds of whip birds which had – unfortunately –  migrated to Japan for the warmer weather. Trudging away from his bedside feebly, feeling exhausted and heaving his IV drip beside him, his feet had carried him to the window of his hospital room in need of the Japan morning air. The lazy wind brushed Yuuri’s ebony locks into his face, tousling it into loose knots sitting scrappily on top of his head. Adorning his messed jet-black head of hair was his ever-progressing apprehensions.

 

 

 

Yuuri would always deny his feelings of hunger – perhaps he was even proud of this small streak of not eating a proper meal – but truth be told: he was famished. He really did want to eat but even drinking water triggered those demons into belittling him and crushing him into a small, crumpled ball of paper.

 

 

 

Another bird’s call sounded off and echoed into Hasetsu’s honey-dandelion coloured sky, becoming one with the brittle winds that whipped Yuuri’s face raw and red. Although the morning was peaceful and nice to wake up to, he still had the mystery pills in his pocket that felt more like hot lead than something in his gown. For now, in the hush of the morning, all he could do was let his monsters degrade him and let those miscellaneous pills hold him near the window sill – where the only option was letting gravity claim his body into the soil of the Earth.

 

 

 

However, the doctors had planned ahead and sealed the frame to a stop.

 

 

 

 

──── ✧ ────

 

 

 

Time felt more like waves dunking Yuuri into the sand and salt because he barely made it to the small café in the hospital as his body immediately demanded for him to go back into the room and stare at the centre of the fan until he slept away his days. Unfortunately for him, right now he was trudging the IV drip behind him again with his father helping by carrying his son’s iced-coffee and his own black coffee also pushing the damned broken machine along, sharing few words or breathes between each other until – out of the blue – Toshiya asked the scrawny man:

 

 

 

“Did your mother or I ever hurt you?”

 

 

 

Yuuri stopped in his tracks so immediately that sparks could have flown out from under his heels. “Why would you ask that, Dad?” he asked tilting his head at his dad, whose creamy, red rimmed glasses had fogged from the steamy coffee cups and the crisp weather blending together.

 

 

 

“I was just thinking a bit about where… _this_ all had come from because your mother and I did not expect any of this to happen. So, I wondered if it was if we ever said anything that had upset you in the past because we have a base for the image of your anxiety based on our own; words may stick with you for a prolonged period of time and affect the way you view certain things because of what other people have said about it. I wondered if I had one time told you that your ability to gain weight quickly made you feel cautious about eating _anything_ because you feared of something to do with weight.”

 

 

 

Those words were cold-cut and straight to the point, feeling as though there was gasoline in his stomach and his father’s words were a lit match. It made his heart wrench to hear Toshiya’s voice quiver and to see his dull brown eyes drop to the tiled hospital floor he was crushing under his heel. To see his dad upset over his own insecurities and anxieties based around himself made him shed hot tears that raced to his cheek. Hugging his father tightly, with the drip embracing them, he told the elderly man, “neither you or mama have _ever_ upset me this significantly for me to be in hospital. It’s other things happening in my head and I can’t tell you why right now because I cannot fathom together words, however it has never been you or mama that influenced me so negatively. I love you both so much.”

 

 

 

His grey-ebony haired father let his own unshed tears fall freely onto Yuuri as they hugged for a prolonged amount of time. Feeling somewhat relieved, he had a sense of hope that his son would recover quickly.

 

 

 

However, what he did not know was that Yuuri’s worries increased by the second because he felt as though he was making his own father feel so little because of something that could easily be fixed with food.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ────

 

 

 

Once more, Yuuri and Toshiya were seated back in their room with Hiroko, Victor, Minako, Takeshi, Yuuko, and Yurio. All sat on uncomfortable blue chairs which matched the aesthetic of the room, an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air. Sometimes one person would try to spark up a conversation with Yuuri however their tongue was put out quickly as his brain was not in the room, or his lips were numb and he could only shrug in response – therefore no one bothered anymore and only stayed in his company as support.

 

 

 

He began thinking about Makkachin. _Who was taking care of him? Was he well-fed? He’s getting old, do they know that he has tablets? Do they know what time he takes his tablets?_ Perhaps now was a good time to light a conversation with his lover and owner of the poodle.

 

 

 

“Victor?” Yuuri asked tilting his head over to the seat his lover was lazily draped in.

 

 

 

“Yes?” He replied not looking up from the laptop he had in hand.

 

 

 

“Who is taking care of Makkachin?”

 

 

 

“I took him to the kennels nearby.” The Russian man seemed almost uninterested at the fact that Yuuri had started up – and held – a simple conversation.

 

 

 

“Yeah, but do they know what medicine he takes?”

 

 

 

He received a small nod in reply.

 

 

 

“What about the times to feed him? Or that he doesn’t eat dried food? Are they playing wi- “His questions were cut short to the Russian staring at him, his baby-blue eyes telling him to calm the Hell down. The silver haired man looked so… _tired._

 

 

 

Dark bags adorned the light blue of his made his eye sockets look hollow, his body had taken the form of the navy chair as his back arched forwards and his shoulders slumped. The Russian man looked as though he just wanted to go home however he knew that was not an option and he had to stick with his boyfriend.

 

 

 

_Victor, I am sorry for you having to deal with all this stress._

He wished Victor could hear his apologies.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ────

 

 

 

 

Some time later after doing a small crossword (then throwing it away after getting too frustrated), Alyssa had entered the room to talk to Yuuri, excusing everyone else so it was private and the answers were somewhat honest. It was probably best that he answered them to get the help and coping he needed, but being judged was scary, therefore him partaking and answering true to the questions was a dumb idea.

 

 

 

“How are you?” She asked with a beat smile as she twiddled a simple black pen between her index finger and her thumb.

 

 

 

Fatigue submerged Yuuri under this protective wall he had put up to hide emotions. “I-I do not know how to answer that. Sorry.”

 

 

 

The dark girl’s brow furrowed in confusion, “are you happy, sad, angry, or anything else…?”

 

 

 

 _It’s funny how she only listed one positive emotion._ “Can I answer with ‘numb’?”

 

 

 

“Okay.” Her wrist moved sharply as she penned something on her notepad. “What has been going on to worry you?”

 

 

 

“Well… I don’t exactly know how to answer that either. I am afraid of being judged, and you are a stranger who I only met a week ago. I was brought up by my own teaching and belief that emotions were a personal and private thing.”

 

 

 

“Yes, I can see this and most patients do feel that way. However, I am a psychologist and am here to help. You don’t _want_ to stay in this boring mental health ward, do you?” She asked, still writing while looking up at the Asian man.

 

 

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

“So please try and tell me what is worrying you. Why are you still here at the hospital, which is urging you to get better, yet you are not trying to recover?”

 

 

 

A long sigh was drawn from his tongue and his fingers fumbled with a loose string on the gown. He focussed on that small sting. Perhaps avoiding eye-contact would make it easier to talk. “Because I am afraid of eating. You doubtlessly get asked that question too, I presume. But asking me to get better is like cutting my legs off and telling me to walk on a tightrope. If somebody pushed a plate of food in front of me I would – no matter how hungry I am – push it back.” He raised his eyes slightly to look at Alyssa, who again was writing more notes. “I would rather death than to be fat again.”

 

 

 

To his dismay, she was not shocked. She did not even flinch at her patient’s death wish and instead finished writing and put her pen down to voice her input. “Well, Mr. Katsuki; I hear this a lot and what I have to say is that your thoughts are garbage.”

 

 

 

_Garbage._

 

 

 

“The way you treating your body is completely wrong because we need to nourish them. What you are doing is all wrong.”

 

 

 

_Wrong._

“You are harming it for what? Is there a goal you want to reach, Mr. Katsuki? Do you like this scrawny skeleton body you are in?”

 

 

 

_Scrawny._

“If you do I want you to realise that nobody else does. This state you are in makes you look manipulative and attention seeking. This way you are right now is ugly. Do you not want to gain back the beauty you had before making so many stupid decisions?”

 

 

 

_Manipulative. Attention seeking. Ugly. Stupid._

 

 

 

These words weren’t even being extracted from his own brain and instead were from someone he was not close to. These disputes were sucker punches to the gut and stole any positivity from his _scrawny_ body. Alyssa had continued talking but Yuuri was so disassociated that he forgot where he was through the rest of the session.

 

 

 

“You understand me, right Mr. Katsuki? Do you understand what I am talking about?”

 

 

 

“Mm.”

 

 

 

She smiled, “well I hope to see you improving slowly. I will call in your friends and family and tell them about our session and make sure you get some food. Have a good night.”

 

 

 

Yuuri scratched at his skin with the little finger nails he had left, desperate to feel anything but the anxiety that boiled in his empty stomach.

 

 

 

──── ✧ ────

 

 

 

Takeshi, Minako, Yuuko, Yurio, Phichit had all gone back to the nearby hotels and motels a while after Alyssa had had the session with Yuuri, leaving only Victor and his parents in the room. Victor was still on his laptop typing whatever up – he had been on that for likely a few hours. His Asian boyfriend was inquisitive as to what he was doing but kept his questions to himself, too depressed and worn to talk to anyone.

 

 

 

His parents however seemed full of light at the thought that Alyssa had “inspired” their son to recover and stop relapsing after the bullshit idea she had sold to them.

 

 

 

After pushing his food around on the plate, he had gone to the bathroom in his room. It was a pointless exercise in pretending to feel real so he thought it was more proactive to try and shower and calm his anxiety.

 

 

 

Teeming were suicidal thoughts freshly polished with enthusiasm all sounding hellish and demonic, yet so persuading. They were not new nor were they old but instead they were simply being and running in his head. Yuuri looked at his naked body in the clean mirror and realised how true Alyssa was about him being scrawny and ugly. Every bone stuck profusely out of his skin and casted dark shadows along the skin which was sunken deeper than his bones. The self-inflicted scars littered his stomach and thighs: some discoloured and white, some fresh from two weeks ago, some close together, some bigger than the others, all ugly and proving his weakness.

 

 

 

Shaking took his form as he dug through the hospital gown for the miscellaneous pills, eventually finding them and staring at their white shape.

 

 

 

He could take that extra step, let them slide down his throat and claim his life. He could feel heady forever and not have to worry about weight or recovery or anything pulling stress on top of him. Electricity coursed through his veins and engulfed his thin physique as he recalled every bad day he had had. Flashes of blood and numbers on the scales blew out before him like snow. Yuuri dug his chapped finger into his palm as he stared deeper at his hand, wishing for those pills to be somewhere else – for himself to be somewhere else apart from this eerie bathroom he was in.

 

 

 

Each pump of blood through his veins was as sharp and loud as his demons’ tongues. Toeing closer to slipping the pills past his lips made him feel so, so very hollow, empty nearly. But he wanted to be empty. He wanted nothing more than for any bad feelings to be gone. He was sick of begging for everything to leave his body and mind at peace. He was sick of feelings sore, of aching, of worrying, of crying.

 

 

 

Overall, he was sick of trying.

 

 

 

Pushing that first pill into his mouth felt as though it were a God-send. At some point he heard three knocks at the door which made him jump and push two more in, swallowing them without any struggle or hesitation. The only feeling that came by was fuzziness, as though the edges of reality had been singed. More knocks were quick to follow along with a small “Yuuri…?” However, he ignored it and pushed another past his teeth, sliding smoothly and dropping to his once-empty stomach. Looking back up at the grubby mirror, Yuuri saw fat tears running down his flushed cheeks – now red and whipped bare from the sudden change in temperature. Knocking became a background noise, the counting of pills he swallowed became unknown, and he felt at peace as his knees buckled and he collapsed to the white-tiled floor.

 

 

 

Everything like it was coming through layers of foam. The knocking stopped and turned to yelling.

 

 

 

_Am I yelling? I can hear yelling, is that me? Is that me? It is too loud!_

_Shut up!_

_Shut up!_

_Shut up!_

Yuuri was the one screaming and crying on the floor of the bathroom, feeling like the world was folding in on him and crushing him into a small ball. He begged for _anything_ to stop the level of mental and internal pain he was in currently. Too weak to search for something sharp he began to beat his head against the ground. Blood gushed from the gash on the side of his head onto the ground which stained the tiles and the world came to a stop. The quick beating of his heart had come to a stop and his brown eyes fell tired as he felt the pills overtook him.

 

 

 

Yuuri Katsuki, silver-medalist, record breaker, ice skater with the biggest glass heart had lost.


	22. i haven't updated in 3 months and i'm really sleepy but hi

hey so i said i'd try and upload chapters more often (and ignore the fact that it’s been nearly 3 months) but i updated?

i'm expecting to update in the next few days if everything goes according to plan and i hope everyone enjoys it!! i've been trying to include a bunch of stuff in my fic that was realistic, based on my experience, based on others experiences, and stuff that the audience wants to see too. i felt stressed trying to balance this with my own life and letting it take over so i said enough and closed the story to open gateways for me. my anxiety has been preventing me from doing anything and this fic deals with eating disorders and mental health issues which is something i have and still do deal with. everything has been really hard with balancing grades, health, relationships and whatnot on-top of this story so i took a small break to make time for me.

so, sorry for the small hiatus and thank you for reading <3


	23. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> assessments can like, die  
> guys i'm so sorry!! i said i'd update in the next few days prior to my latest update but my teachers gave me really freakin' hard assignments and i wanted to get good grades instead of doing them at the last minute and getting a c  
> anyways here you go, rats

It’s 4:23 in the morning and already, the edges of Yuuri’s reality felt as though it were singed by an ill-lit match; a flame licking its sharp tongue against the paper. A loud banging filled his head. Was that even ringing? No, it was more like nails on a chalkboard than constant thwacking. The Japanese man took time peeling his eyes open, feeling tender and dry. He had stitches in his head, sewn from where he had hit his head, and in his nose, he had a tube in it and another near his hip sticking into his stomach. Yuuri tensed his muscles around the tube in his hip and felt an intense, raw pain in that area which soon flooded throughout his entire gut. Hissing at the pain and trying to move away from it caught everyone in the room’s attention. In a near four seconds, his mother, father, and Victor were at his bed as well as one doctor. This doctor was new; emerald green eyes with gold flakes littered throughout their iris. Their face adopting a tiresome look.

 

 

 

_Was this doctor tired of taking care of me? Have I been a handful for them? Does it really matter?_

All these questions and more Yuuri had for the people gathered around him.

 

 

 

He took a minute to study their faces which were all different in shape, colour, size – faces are weird – but they all shared one thing in common: tear-stricken and desperate eyes. Yuuri felt his voice throw itself over the edge of his throat and hide in his belly. His body shut its blinds, feeling an urgency to hide from his problems. The dull-eyed man felt his brain sting as he tried to remember what happened last night to paint such a sad look onto everyone’s face because (of course) it had to have been him who did _this._ Letting his eyes wander around the baby blue room, the coffee colour in them spotted the bathroom. Yuuri let a few words scramble in his head for a second only using the things his eyes saw.

 

 

 

_Bathroom._

_Tears._

_Scared._

_Shaking._

_Desperate._

The sick man rolled his head to glance at further places in his dark room and spotted a _‘Super B Complex’_ pill bottle on his nightstand – his anti-anxiety pills.

 

 

 

_Pills._

_Oh my God._

The dam gates had burst and welcomed the flooding of thoughts into his brain and heart as he looked into his mother’s teary, raw eyes.

 

 

 

‘ _You did this. You did this. You. Did. This.’_

Yuuri felt his lip quiver, eyes sting and throat close as it finally sunk in. “Mama…”

 

 

 

She bent down to his level and held him, carding her hands through his hair in the process as Yuuri’s father and Victor both too coddled him. The undernourished Japanese man dug his fingers into their forearm’s a little too hard but if it meant he was closer to the ones he loved, he did not have a concern about it swim through his already thickening stream of thoughts. “I- I am so- s-so sorry!” he blubbered into Hiroko’s heaving chest.

“I know, Yuuri,” Hiroko choked out through her own sobs she muffled in her son’s head of ebony hair. The way his mother said his name made him feel like dripping honey in warm milk; homey, warm and cozy. Continuing to whisper soft shushes and words of ease into his scalp, Toshiya also began muttering his own words of love to his son and letting it engulf him. Victor, however, was silent, continuing to let his tears fall freely onto his lover’s face, not wanting to break his boyfriend as he was fragile and needed only the finest care and treatment.

 

 

 

The mystery-doctor had finally come to Yuuri’s bedside after fiddling with buttons of the life support machine. Feeling the doctor’s glare burn into him, a very teary-eyed Yuuri met his stare and sniveled out the words “what’s wro-wrong?”

 

 

 

The medic sighed, knowing that these few tears were the rain before the storm, but still did not make eye contact with the forlorn man.

 

 

 

“After overdosing on your prescription painkillers, you have suffered damage to your bowel and kidneys.”

 

 

 

Pausing to let it sink into Yuuri, extra tears fell overflowed from the brim of his eyes and a sob ripped open from his cut-ridden chest.

 

 

 

_How? How did I let it get this bad?!_

_Stupid boy._

“And after losing so much weight from starving and purging, muscle mass has deteriorated as well as the condition of your gums and teeth. You have Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia, Sir. After being affected with the aftermath of these conditions, a gastrostomy tube has been imported into your stomach to provide you with nourishment from the foods you have refused to eat, and the medicine needed to help you recover from your kidney problems after overdosing.”

 

 

 

The dam walls had burst their seams and the watery thoughts brimmed over his hair of raven and ebony. As more tears raced to reach the collar of his hospital gown, which pooled in his collar bones, he felt everyone’s grip tighten, trying to hold his breaking pieces together as a desperate attempt to help him heal. Yuuri went to touch his face and could feel the sleep, or rather so, lack-of, woven under his eyes. Adorning the circles under his burgundy eyes were his cheekbones; hollow, shadow-casting, prominent. He felt bile rise, the little food left in his vacant belly, as it hit him of how sickly he looked and how others perceived him.

 

 

 

 ──── ✧ ────

 

 

 

Time flew past everyone’s heads as sun down neared. Yuuri had been scrolling through news reports put into the media that he was hospitalized for a drug overdose, with other reports overdramatizing the situation to make him sound out of control and mentally unstable and saying he was in an asylum. The more words he in took, the more inferior he felt. Punching the ‘off’ button on his android, he glanced over at his parents and boyfriend, all sitting close to him and sat itching in their seats, which were too low to the ground and forced their legs to sprawl out awkwardly. Mama and Papa Katsuki were dozing off into a sleep after a sleepless night of panic and terror swamped their brains. Victor, however, did not quirk his silver brow or press his lips to a thin line as he sat scribbling on a large piece of paper, deep in focus and tranquil.

 

 

 

_Why is he so calm?_

_Does he not care?_

“Victor...?” Yuuri croaked out.

 

 

 

“Yes?” he said a bit-too-quickly, not raising his indigo eyes to meet his lover’s russet ones. The older couple in the room had dozed into a deep sleep as quiet snores fell from their chapped lips making Yuuri feel slightly more confident in talking to Victor.

 

 

 

“How did they know what I was doing?” his voice sounded as though it were a wilting flower.

 

 

 

The Russian man exhaled deeply, “we could hear you screaming.” Plain, blank and straight-to-the-point was his tone of voice. “We could hear you screaming and banging your head. Doctor Ayuko got her keys and unlocked the bathroom door and we all saw you covered in your own blood and vomit with pills scattered around you.”

 

 

 

_Oh._

 

 

 

Trembling with guilt, Yuuri bowed his stitched head in shame and intook everything that came out of the silver-haired man’s mouth. Every broken Japanese word. Every _‘r’_ that rolled off his tongue. Every mispronunciation.

 

 

 

Every. Single. Thing.

 

 

 

“About five doctors in different uniforms than Ayuko rushed in and an alarm sounded over the loudspeakers. They tried to hold Hiroko back, expecting her to sprint in and save you, but she just fell to the ground and said a prayer.”

 

 

 

Yuuri’s mother was not in any way part of a religious group. Knowing that she prayed to a god with fear coating her voice made him feel imprudent for doing such an awful thing to himself and those he loved dearly and wholly.

 

 

 

“Victor?”

 

 

 

“Yes, Yuuri?” the way his name was said made him furrow his brow deeply, sounding too gentle yet also completely deadpan.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Feeling his throat close, he curled his hand into the bed sheets and pulled them closer to him as a chill made his whole body prickle.

 

 

 

“Why Yuuri? Why would you do that?” the teary Russian said blankly.

 

 

 

Yuuri processed the question because truth be told: he was nearly as clueless as everyone else. he began his words with a shaky breath that poured from his chapped lips, fear and shame coating his cold-cut words.

 

 

 

“To put how I felt into senses, it’s like I am in a maze. And every time I’m about to find a way out, it’s _another_ dead-end. When I find those ends, it feels like a bomb goes off and all I can hear is the white noise. I feel numb, my love. I have felt numb for 25 years and it feels awful knowing that I- I must keep waking up every day to find more dead ends. I ha-hate it, Victo-or!” The usual voice of a mouse became the earthquakes that shook the world as he broke again.

 

 

 

Jumping from the comfort from his seat, Victor rushed to embrace his lover tenderly feeling his thin physique shiver as their skin met. The paler man whispered gentle words of love and praise into the shell of the olive-skinned man’s ear. Quiet sobs broke free from Yuuri’s ribcage as he was careful to not wake his parents from their longest sleep since arriving at the hospital.

 

 

 

“Shhh, baby. You’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

 

 

 

Yuuri only hiccupped in response.

 

 

 

“Is it okay to be touched?”

 

 

 

“Y-yeah…”

 

 

 

“Okay, angel boy. Can you try breathing with me? Deep breath in 1…2…3… Inhale as deep as you can until you feel it in your tummy.”

 

 

 

The cool sensation of air in his stomach was the fullest he had felt in a week or two. Copying the rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest, he got his breathing back to normal pace. Victor made sure he didn’t fall into an anxiety or panic attack and that he was able to calm him down. If Yuuri was in a bad state of anxiety, he assumed that doctors wouldn’t help him relax.

 

 

 

“Good boy, Yuura. Can you tell me more about what’s happening that made you feel this wa-”?

 

 

 

“I am living in a state of fear; fear of disappointing everyone, of letting my family down, of you leaving, of gaining weight, of the media, of never recovering. I fear that I will be this way forever and there is not stopping the state of fear I live in.”

 

 

 

Victor only held him tighter and tried to hold the breaking pieces together desperately.

 

 

 

“Alyssa said to me that it was my fault and it is. I know it is. It’s so stupid and ironic this whole situation because I’m afraid of losing more of myself but I’ve lost nearly 31 kilograms as well as my self-esteem and mental wellbeing. I need help, V-Vitya. I want to recover but it’s so fucking hard!”

 

 

 

Rubbing circles into the small of his back, Victor could only hold him tighter. “Can you tell me more about what Alyssa said to you? How long has she been saying these things?”

 

 

 

“It hasn’t really happened apart from yesterday,” Yuuri sniveled, “I made her frustrated – myself too – because I made myself seem like a hopeless case. I am hopeless.”

 

 

 

The taller and older man leaned in closer, getting every breathe through the thickness of Yuuri’s skull, “Nobody is _ever_ hopeless. I had a bad past, an appalling, traumatizing, strenuous past, my Yuuri. I may not be perfect, but I am the closest to it.” This mad Yuuri snicker lightly, “you too can better yourself. It will be hard, long, and dreadful but when you reach the end of it and find yourself at rest, you can still move forward as happiness is never-ending.”

 

 

 

Yuuri kissed his lover’s cold cheek, making the blood rush to his head, “I can only try.”


	24. Recovery and The Meaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiroko and Yuuri discuss their experiences with mental health issues and talk of recovery while Victor, Mari, and Toshiya talk privately and find Alyssa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// explicit descriptions of self-harm, suicide, overdosing, eating disorders, verbal abuse, harmful and offensive language, past trauma. if this story triggers you or makes you feel a certain way i suggest talking to a counselor about your issues (contacting 7cups and beyondblue are a Godsend for me), talking to a loved one, doing something creative such as baking or drawing, and writing out your feelings on a piece of paper. these are all really basic mechanisms of coping but they always help in the end. stay safe and enjoy this next chapter!

_Recovery._

_What does that word mean to me?_

 

 

 

Yuuri sat numb in the blue-room’s bed, tubes sticking out of him, blankets swallowing his skeletal legs, and pen on paper. Hiroko sat neatly beside her son reading while Toshiya, Mari and Victor were venturing the ward’s corridors in search of Alyssa and a smoking area on the premises for Mari.

 

 

 

_Where do I begin?_

_What does an end-point look like?_

_What is a point where I can verify that I’m okay?_

 

 

 

The blank sheet of wooden pulp stared back at him – mocking and taunting him – as he tried to put food for thought onto the paper. The news had always glorified the idea of recovery being clear-cut when in precision, it was difficult to pinpoint a true point of absolute joy.

 

 

 

The strawberry-grey-haired woman rested a hand on his leg abruptly making his jostle. He craned his neck to face her, “yes, Mama?”

 

 

 

“What are you writing about, Love?”

 

 

 

The younger man pressed the pen to his chafed, cherry lips in thought.

 

 

 

“I don’t know. I’m trying to write about recovery.” Hiroko swallowed, “But it’s hard to direct myself into even starting... I don’t really know if I will ever be at a point of truthfully answering simple questions such as, ‘how are you?’ How do I respond to that as of now if a nurse were to walk into the room and ask? Truthfully, I’m tired, weak, hungry and I feel like how metal tastes. If they asked that, I would say ‘I’m good’.”

 

 

 

He looked down to where his mother sat and saw the pallor painting her usual olive complexion. Yuuri rubbed the space between his eyes and sighed, “sorry, Mama…”

 

 

 

Fiddling with a loose thread of string in the crisp-coloured blouse she wore, Hiroko stated, “I understand what you’re saying, _shin’aina._ However, recovery isn’t a one-way track.”

 

 

 

The ebony-haired man cocked his head.

 

 

 

“When I was your age,” Hiroko swallowed, “I suffered greatly from postpartum depression after giving birth to Mari. There were nights she was crying, and I would sit in the corner and scream as loud as I could for whatever force above to make it stop.” Yuuri blinked and nodded to signal her to continue, “I thought it would never end and it put immense amounts of sadness onto my shoulders. I knew that I had to change. For her and your father.”

 

 

 

Yuuri blinked as he heard vivid recollections from his mother. “There wasn’t a ‘beginning’ as such nor was there an end. I gradually spent more time with your sister and it was painful to still wonder if I would be a good mother while being in the presence of the one thing making me feel depressed. There were still nights I was sitting in the corner begging Mari to leave me alone, but in due course I found myself enjoying putting love into another human being. That’s when I wanted to have another child,” she squeezed her son’s hand a little harder and leered into the distance. “There is, and never will be, a final point of absolute joy. Life is unfair, _ai;_ life will hurdle struggles onto you. You have to hurt to rebuild and try again. It will take time and gentleness and love, but I promise you that soon you will soon be at a point of okay-ness.”

 

 

 

Hiroko pressed her chapped lips against the furrowed brow of her son as he hugged her and let his tears fall freely onto her collar.

 

 

 

“I love you.” The red-headed woman whispered.

 

 

 

“I love you too, Mama.”

 

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                  ⠀⠀⠀──── ✧ ──── ⠀⠀⠀⠀

 

 

 

Victor and Toshiya stood on an outside balcony with Mari while she finished a cigarette with doctors watching them keenly. The grey sky lingered with the smell of ash and metal as a damp colour washed over Hasetsu. Toshiya was leant over the balcony watching the city with Victor mimicking his position meanwhile Mari idly slouched in a corner with a pack of Camels.

 

 

 

“Yuuri mentioned a doctor,” Victor breathed to the ardent ears beside him. They nodded for him to elaborate. “He said that she told him that _this_ was his own fault and that he was hopeless. I-I don’t know what to do. I-“

 

 

 

“Which doctor said this?” Mari asked in a higher pitch.

 

 

 

“Alyssa, he said.”

 

 

 

“I’m gonna kill that bitch,” the brunette pushed the lit end of her hand-rolled cigarette into the frosty poll.

 

 

 

“This is Yuuri’s therapist the hospital provided.” Toshiya stated focusing on the same area with foggy, dull-brown eyes. “It’s illegal for a licensed psychologist to say those things.”

 

 

 

“I think Yuuri hearing that from someone he opened up to about his problems pushed him over the edge, which resulted in… You-Know-What.” The Russian man’s eyes glistened with fresh tears.

 

 

 

“Like I said, I’m gonna kill that bitch,” Mari stormed off inside compelling Victor and her father to follow her close behind. It would not be difficult to find Alyssa as she was tall and had a significant difference in her skin-tone compared to those in her surroundings.

 

 

 

After wandering through various corridors and stories, they had found their wanted member facing a coffee machine.

 

 

 

“Excuse me, Alyssa?” Victor asked with his voice shaking. She turned with big caramel eyes to greet his own. They were sharp like daggers and showed no light as they illuminated with impatience. Getting a simple “Mmm?” in response was enough to set the older man and his blood off as they silenced the room with their yelling.

 

 

 

“You are supposed to be taking care of Yuuri Katsuki. Two nights ago, he attempted to overdose because _you_ pushed him over the edge with your words of ‘advice’! How does that make you feel?!” Toshiya yelled over Mari who was chanting colourful names at the analyst.

 

 

 

The darker woman rolled her eyes until the whites were visible and held a long finger to her own lips.

 

 

 

“Because Mister Katsuki wasn’t stable enough to hear proper advice doesn’t make it my fault.” Alyssa spoke with a bite and hiss.

 

 

 

“You are his therapist! You are supposed to know what he needs to hear instead of saying what you had!” Mari spat.

 

 

 

“Mister Katsuki needs to hear the truth and because he could not fabricate it does not make it my fa-“

 

 

 

“The _‘truth’_ should not have to be telling him that he is hopeless and that this is all his fault.” Victor spoke up with the same monotone voice as their opponent.

 

 

 

“Well it is what Mister Katsuki needed to hear.”

 

 

 

“Please stop addressing my son as that. We all know who you’re talking about and his beautiful name is Yuuri. Call him so.” Toshiya began, leaning in closer to her. “Despite whatever thought process you had before, during or after explaining to Yuuri how to better his state of mind; it was still a major wrong-doing which _is_ going to get you evicted from your job here. I would advise you to begin packing early before I get the head of Hasetu’s health department involved.”

 

 

 

Alyssa huffed at the sudden monotone reply she received from the usually quiet old man. “You don’t know anything about getting fired from jobs like this. Just because he didn’t want to hear what was needed does not mean anything against me.”

 

 

 

“Yeah?” Mari joined in, rolling a fresh cigarette for later.

 

 

 

“Mmhm.” Replied Alyssa.

 

 

 

“Tell that to the head of this clinic. I am calling them right now.” Victor pressed numbers into a phone on the wall while other doctors and patients watched agape.

 

 

 

“Fuck you!” The furious, soon-to-be-fired psychologist walked away with both middle fingers held tall and on display for everyone to see as she kicked open a door.

 

 

 

“Don’t let the door hit you on the ass,” Toshiya called out, “bitch…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, what a rollercoaster... 
> 
> i am slowly, but surely, working and updating the story but it's definitely difficult. every time i feel like i'm getting better, i fall back down into a hole. while i will still be taking a month or so to complete updates, i feel i will be stress-free and more positive hearing from everyone which is why i am NOT discontinuing my writing.
> 
> i love you all so much. stay safe friends.

**Author's Note:**

> it'd be real neat if you left kudo's, bookmarks and comments but if not thanks for being here anon!


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